Crazy Mixed up Feelings

• So on Friday morning I will be meeting with our support worker from LSI. She is the one who came along with us when we picked up the girls and it is basically her job to, well, support us. She calls to see how things are going and to talk over feelings.
• Anyway, she called that she wants to come over this week to "talk about what happened." I don't know why exactly, but I feel like a kid who knows they are in trouble and going to meet the principal (I am just going by what I assume that would feel like, because honestly, that wasn't me. Maybe my husband. *Ahem*.) Its quite illogical feeling anyway, but it is what it is.
• I think that while I have complete peace with our choices and know without a doubt that we made the right choice, I feel guilt for feeling peace. I'll give you a minute to follow me. It makes sense to me, try to understand. People ask me if I miss having them here. Honestly? (gasp! honesty?!) No. Which is a huge part of me knowing it was right for us. I didn't attach. I didn't have enough joy when they were here nor did I offer up joy to any of the 4 kids living here, and I failed to find the little blessings from day to day. I hurt, I cried, my kids hurt, my kids cried. Am I able to see blessings in it now? Absolutely! I have mentioned positives in Lessons Learned. But I am still relieved to be done with that case. I know that it would have gone on and on and on and even if we had decided that we wanted to keep them, it was going to be a long battle. I don't have the fight in me. I need to know that I am fighting for the right thing. And I know this wasn't our battle to win. God has shown me that.
• So, I know all of this, and yet, I feel guilt for the peace. I feel the need to explain to everyone I meet why it didn't work out and what happened. And then, the social support worker is coming to talk about it. Which automatically leads me to feel like I did it wrong, even though my head knows she isn't that way. She is a Christian woman and not here to chastise me. Just here to figure out what we all could have done better and what we have learned for next time. At least that's what I am telling myself so that I am still able to get up on Friday morning.
• I realize I am confusing, but Psalm 27 sums up my feelings pretty well right now.
• Psalm 27 Of David.
• 1 The LORD is my light and my salvation— whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life— of whom shall I be afraid?
• 2 When evil men advance against me to devour my flesh, [a] when my enemies and my foes attack me, they will stumble and fall.
• 3 Though an army besiege me, my heart will not fear; though war break out against me, even then will I be confident.
• 4 One thing I ask of the LORD, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple.
• 5 For in the day of trouble he will keep me safe in his dwelling; he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle and set me high upon a rock.
• 6 Then my head will be exalted above the enemies who surround me; at his tabernacle will I sacrifice with shouts of joy; I will sing and make music to the LORD.
• 7 Hear my voice when I call, O LORD; be merciful to me and answer me.
• 8 My heart says of you, "Seek his [b] face!" Your face, LORD, I will seek.
• 9 Do not hide your face from me, do not turn your servant away in anger; you have been my helper. Do not reject me or forsake me, O God my Savior.
• 10 Though my father and mother forsake me, the LORD will receive me.
• 11 Teach me your way, O LORD; lead me in a straight path because of my oppressors.
• 12 Do not turn me over to the desire of my foes, for false witnesses rise up against me, breathing out violence.
• 13 I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.
• 14 Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.

Masquerade

I am working on another post... Just not sure how to do it, I need God to show me more. So, in the mean time, I wanted to share this song. I think its beautiful. So many of us walk around with feelings of guilt either for something we have done, or something we feel. I think that most of for one reason or another can relate to this song. So just enjoy.... (pause the music on the bottom of the blog first)

Any excuse for dessert!

Really, lets just combine everything into one glorious week shall we? I really don't care that I turned 30 yesterday... for the most part. I know I'm old, its okay with me, I am so happy with where we are in our life, I don't want to be 20-something again! But makes me so sad (and proud) is that my babies are in 3rd grade and 1st grade this year! That means full time for both of them right off the bat! Yikes! I didn't even get to bring them to school. Every year we start out at a church near the school and the kids walk with their classes to school. But, Kindergarteners still get their parents to take them. But, nope, not 1st graders! (Here is where I choose to forget that last year already Maicy asked me to stay in the car for her 1st day of kindergarten because she wanted to do it alone-- which of course I ignored her and walked in anyway and tried to get her to at least give me a hug goodbye!) So, there they are. Another year of school. I know its good, and they are excited and I am grateful for the wonderful schools in our community. Lets just show some pics to sum today and yesterday shall we?

My kids made me this yummy chocolate chocolate cake... with a little help from some neighbors! (keep in mind I just woke up from my Sunday afternoon nap)

My good friend Lisa met me in Sioux Falls that weekend, and we had a great lunch followed by this awesome dessert! (the best part is they don't sing, the waitress just overheard us say 'birthday' and stuck a candle in it) It was Bananas Bread Foster...mmmm........give me a moment to remember....mmmm....okay, I'm back. Whoops, uploaded the photo where Jackson's eyes are closed! But, I don't have time to redo it, so it'll be okay. Look at those stick on Maicy! She is gonna be a giant!

Me and Maicy

Me and Jackson

All in all, its been a great start to the week! God is good!

And we're back

So I took a little break. I didn't intend to stay away for the whole week, it just happened. Friday I left town and came home late Monday night. And then, I had to clean on Tuesday and had no time for blogging. Wednesday came around and well, Top Chef premier started, so that was out of the question to sit at the computer! But today is Thursday, I guess. I am really goofed up this week! But anyway, you get my anniversary post, meant to go out last Friday since that was the actual anniversary, but me being the procrastinator that I am, I am a week late. But here it is anyway! 12 years ago we were married. Right out of high school. No one thought it would last and yet, here we are. Going strong. God is good. (I know some people lost bets as we crossed that 3, 5, and 10 year mark-ha!) Ahem. Apologies accepted. But really- look how crazy young we were! And look! I had collar bones yet! And after a few year of infertility, we were blessed with this little wonder. Dear Jackson came into this world weighing 3lb 6oz born at 29 weeks. That man of mine never looked better than he did holding that teeny tiny baby so proudly. My dad said that Steve walked a little straighter and taller that day. I concur.

And then, two years later, this sweet little thing stole my man's heart. She still hasn't given it back to him. I don't think she will. And look at my little bitty boy there! He was so small... he's so big now... sigh... oh, this isn't about the kids? Okay, moving on.

Here we are today. Many twists and turns, many storms weathered and I can't think of anyone that I would rather go through them with. He knows me deeper than anyone, and loves me anyway. He knows that if I am having a bad day, to bring home the Cheetos, because really, they just make things better. You don't need to know that. He does. I love him.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Twelve years ago as we listened to our pastor talk about this verse, I didn't fully grasp the awesomeness of it. Each year it means so much more.

Happy Anniversary, Steve, I love you!

Moving Day

Well today was the day we said good-bye to the girls. The kids all did well, Jackson my tenderhearted sweetie, did cry a bit this morning, but after lots of hugs and kisses, let them go. I brought the girls to their new home, which may be quite unconventional, but then again, everything with this case has been, and I am grateful for that opportunity. I saw that they were happy to play with new toys, they have a puppy which HELLO! I didn't matter after they saw that! I feel very, very good about this decision. I don't feel sad which while the devil is trying to make me think that is bad, I know that my Heavenly Father has provided me peace. Peace in knowing that this was the right decision. This wasn't the easy way out. This was the only way for us. Period. I don't know what lies ahead for us, but I do know that whatever it is, we will be ready. Even if its nothing. It's all okay. I have an undescribable peace with the unknown right now that could only come from above. He is in control of this and whatever He leads us to He will lead us through. As for us, we have a fun-filled weekend ahead of us that we are so excited for, so I had better get off the computer and get ready! Have a great weekend! Alicia

Lessons Learned

So far on this journey I have experienced many lessons learned. I thought I would take a moment to share them with you.

• First and foremost - God is good, all the time. He has never let us down. We have been on ups and downs and sideways trips here, and He has remained constant. He is good.
• God will use us and our desires to mold and shape us, and maybe to change our desires, or to be open to His desires instead of our own.
• God knows what is best, His timing, everything. I have been so impatient and so wanting to get on with the whole foster/adopt thing that I admittedly did not want to wait for His perfect timing. I am not saying He didn't want us to accept this case, I am just saying that it is clear that this was not His timing for us, and anyone with a clear mind can see that! How could I raise extra kids with my husband gone all the time, when honestly, some days I struggle with the 2 I have already and he is gone. We will wait, and I will be more careful in hearing His will for us
• I have the best friends in the whole world! Never did I imagine the overwhelming outpouring of love, support, encouragement, that we have received. Taking time to email, or comment, or call, or just stop over, meals, baths, everything, hugs in public when you know it may cause me to cry in your presence, just offering words of support or asking questions when we do bump into each other. Trust me, each one of these things are so significant to me and I can't begin to express my gratitude to each of you!
• I have more friends then I knew. Everyone who takes the time to read these rambling messes that I try to write out, I consider you a friend. Just taking the time to care and check in and to pray for us. That is so appreciated. Some of you I don't even know, yet here you are. Thank you.
• My kids are awesome! They have been super helpers and great communicators through all of this. Despite Maicy wondering why on earth "little T' hates her and has to bite her so much, she still tries to love her to pieces. Jackson is great at telling me when I am relying on him too much to be a helper, yet he is willing to step in when I really need it. He lets all 3 girls doggy-pile him on the living room floor and giggles his crazy head off. Maicy loves to help with baths and as long as she doesn't get bitten, is quite good at most of it. She always greets the girls with a smile and a smile in her voice and truly shows the love of Christ in her actions. I love to see that. She is a good role model for me some days. Her face sparkles.
• A gallon of milk only lasts a day-- if we're lucky. Really nothing sentimental there, just stating a fact. I have run out of milk more times in the past 2 weeks then I have ever before! Its what I learned.
• Church is a great place when you have 4 kids, drop them off at nursery and wha-la! Peace and relaxation for an hour! Okay, so we only brought 1 to the nursery, but wow, what peace. Great services this Sunday also. Just what I needed.
• I know that I am able to foster a child(one at a time please), love them, nurture them, and actually want for them to return to their own mother if that is what's best for them. Never did I think we would be able to, but now I do. I want the families to succeed.
• It is harder to admit that you can't do something than to continue feeling like you're drowning. But so worth it if you can. Look at all the great lessons that have come from me doing just that.

So for now, the girls are still here, I think by Wednesday they will move on. Continue to pray for that transition. I will keep you updated. Thanks again for just being there.

Alicia

Difficult Decisions

• I know I haven't updated in awhile.... it seems that 4 kids keep me busy, who knew?! And also, I have been waiting to update. We have had some major decisions to make and it hasn't been easy.
• I know that our decisions will come with judgement from many, although we hope that you trust that this has been prayed over and looked at from every angle and that we have to put our family first.
• We have decided to have the girls moved to another home. This is not a decision made lightly. Yes, it was short-lived, but we feel that to avoid more hurts, we need to do this before attachments are made. Let me explain as much as I can some of the reasons for this decision. Mostly it boils down to Steve being gone. *Let me quick take a moment to clarify for my dear husband who at certain places around town has been asked why he moved out and left his wife that we are so not separated and he hasn't left us! :) He is working out of town- out of state actually, because that is where the work is. Please stop harassing the poor guy! ;) *Okay, that's done. Because of him being away for the better part of the weeks, and the outlook on this ending looking farther and farther out all the time, we feel its best.
• I am unable to be a "single parent" for 4 children. To double the number of kids we have overnight, and then be left alone, has not been good for me or my kids. Believe me, I feel like a complete and utter failure. I hate that I have to admit my weaknesses and to say " I can't." Well meaning people tell me "oh, but its so good for those girls and you can do it" but no, I can not do it. There are too many struggles with them that are hurting my children emotionally and physically and the guilt of that is overwhelming. My family needs to come first. I have not been a good mom to anyone this week. I am over stressed and over tired.
• For those of you saying "well of course its hard, didn't she know it would be hard?!" to you I say, yes, I knew that. But, I have to accept my limitations. I fully believe that God has brought us to this point to show me what I can't do. I can't do this. And that is okay. It's part of the storm. And this is how the storm will go well, is for us to step away. Our kids are relieved, although of course they will still miss having them around sometimes.
• The door to this process is not closed for us either. I just now have a better understanding of what we are able to do. Siblings of this age are most likely not for us. I still have a heart for fostering, and for adopting. But, through this process, I have received one thing that I never saw happening in my life before and that is contentment. For years while we struggled with infertility I was grasping for more, no matter if that was before we had any children, after one, after two, I never felt complete or content. I now feel that if this is what God has for us, I am at complete peace with having only my own 2 children, and they are enough.
• This has been a growing experience for us. This has been a rough journey thus far. But one thing remains the same and that is that God is the God over all of us. His compassions for us will never fail and He will continue to walk with us and lead us through paths of righteousness, for His name's sake.
• I will continue to update here, and I will let you know when the girls are placed in another home. We ask you to pray for them as they move, that they may adjust quickly and that God will lead the DHS workers to the right home for them - soon. Pray for our children as they work through their feelings about all of this. Pray for me that the guilt I have felt may subside.
• I can't thank you all enough for all of you support and prayers. I ask that you continue to walk with us on our journey, no matter where that takes us. You have all been amazing sources of inspiration and love and peace for us, and words can't express how grateful we are for you.

Alicia