More than a Choice

I feel that some things need to be said and while the words may never be heard by the ones I have on my heart as I write them, but they need to be laid out just the same. Maybe it can help someone. Anyone.

Young people all around are hurting and my heart is heavy with their pain.

Every day we, as people, make hundreds of choices.

 Sometimes you don't realize you are even making them. Other times it seems as though you agonize for a long time over what to choose. Many times, you make choices that don't seem to affect the rest of your days, weeks, months or even years. It was just another one of many choices. No big deal.

But there are times when we see the immediate effect of that choice- good or bad. And you deal with what is left afterwards.

And sometimes you feel as though the choices you have made are going to pull you under completely.

One after another.

The effects are on going and not for the way you had hoped.

Your world seems hopeless and you don't want to face another day.

You fear you have hurt those close to you one too many times and that they don't want to deal with your problems anymore.
You fear you can't go home.
Why would they want you there anyways?

Friends have desserted you.
Mocked you.
Shamed you.

The whispers as you walk into a room.
The knowing looks from those who you pass.

You hear the names.

Failure.
Loser.
Slut.
Addict.
Worthless.


Words that cut. Words that hurt. Words that cannot define you. Words that you were never meant to carry the way you do.

You are not those words.

You are not the choices you have made.

You are not a mistake.

Failure. Chosen

Loser. Loved
Slut. Pure
Addict. Free
Worthless. Cherished

I know that to your hearts it sounds cliche, but you really are chosen, cherished, loved by God. And by so many around you. If you look, you will see more people who love you then scoffers. They are just a few.

God didn't make a mistake.
He really does love you so much that he sent his Son to take over your debts.

Yes. YOU.

It can get better. It WILL get better. This is just one moment in time.



Today, I know so many are hurting. It is my prayer that you can see that YOU are loved and cherished. And YES! YOU! are worth dying for.

And if someone you love is hurting... tell them you love them. No matter what.

Joining Michelle and Jen today....

Strong Enough

Every once in awhile I cry out to God, on my knees. Begging, pleading for Him to show me answers.

And every once in awhile, He does just that.

As I drove home from a meeting with Charlie Brown's mom and yet another caseworker, I cried out to Him. The God of the universe. I needed for Him to show me HOW could I possibly make a difference in such a corrupt messed up system. How can the children stand a chance when we are in a major budget pitfall in the state? How can I make a difference as just one person when the state continues to slash social workers jobs, putting on hiring freezes while the case loads grow heavier for them every single day. How can I do anything when attorneys are being forced to cut time spent on cases because no one wants to pay them to do their job.

HOW GOD?!

Nothing in this world makes me feel as small and insignificant as the government at work. I will be the first to admit, I do not follow politics. I do not write my governors, senators, representatives or even town council. So what can I possibly do? I feel helpless God.

No sooner had I gotten the words out of my mouth, with tears streaming down my face as I drive home, then the song "Strong Enough to Save" by Tenth Avenue North came on.
"Strong Enough To Save"
You fought
but you were just too weak
so you lost
all the things you try to keep
now you're on your knees, you're on your knees


But wait,
everything can change,
in a moments time you don't have to be afraid,
cause fear is just a lie
open up your eyes

And he'll break
open the skies to save
those who cry out his name
the One the wind and waves obey
is strong enough to save you
Look
now is not too late
lift up your head
let the rain fall on your face
you're not far from grace, your not too far from grace
And he'll break
open the skies to save
those who cry out his name
the One the wind and waves obey
is strong enough to save you

I know the weight of this world can take you down like gravity and I know the current of yourself can take you out, out to sea but hold on, hold on

I have fought, and yes, I am too weak. But God.
God is strong enough to save.
Even the wind and waves obey Him.
His will be done.

Building Character

Two toddlers run around. One carefully checking out where the next move should be.
The other running carefree. They collide. The careful one is instantly in tears thinking his life is over from that horrible "crash". The other oblivious and keeps on playing. Crashes are just a part of her day after all.

This is the image that goes through my head as the pastor talks about suffering building character. Resiliance.
Paul talks in Romans about rejoicing in our suffering.

I don't think either child rejoiced about getting hurt, but one didn't let it stop her. It's happened before and she knows she'll be okay. Perhaps she turned to her mom to look for reassurance, and when she received a smile, she knew. All is well.

The hurt child doesn't know this feeling and doesn't like it. I am sure he too ran to his parent. Crying out for her to make it all better all the while wondering how on earth she could let this happen to him! Why would his mom let him get hurt?

Was the mom a bad mom? Was she mean?

No, but she knew he would be okay. She maybe did allow it to happen, but she knew he would watch out next time. Or maybe he would learn to not be so scared, to know that bumps and bruises will happen, but they won't be the end of us.

Is God a mean God because He allows us to get hurt?
Or does He simply wait for us to learn from our hurts. To look to Him to know that it's going to be okay and it will not be the end of us. It may feel like it will be, but it won't.

Because we have hope.

A hope in Christ that no one can take away.
A hope that comes from us being so low we need to look up and ahead.

Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;  perseverance, character; and character, hope. Romans 5:3-4

How is God instilling HOPE in you today?

Linking up Michelle De Rusha for Hear it, Use it. A great communitiy of faith writers- you really should check it out! :)

Jonah's Anger

Our pastor has been spending some time in the minor prophets of the Bible for the last several weeks. Actually at both our “summer” church and our regular church we have been studying these. I love to see how that happens sometimes. And while the minor prophets always intrigue me a bit, I love to see how God uses the insignificant, you know, I really wasn’t expecting to get what I did from Jonah’s story.


We all know this one- Jonah fleeing, the storm at sea, swallowed by a great fish, then he listens. And that in all honesty is usually where I always stopped. I never paid much attention to Jonah 4. Well, it has my attention now.

For those of you like me- here is a recap. Jonah goes into Ninevah and warns the people that God is telling them that they have to repent and change their ways. They have 40 days and then God will bring his wrath upon them. Well, surprise surprise, the awful, horrible, no good, very bad, mean , evil Ninevites surprised everyone- especially Jonah, and repented! So, God was moved so much and happy with them, He changed His mind and had mercy on them. He spared them.

And Jonah, who should have been jumping up and down with delight because the people heard the message that he himself delivered from God, pouted. He was ticked. Really God? You are going to spare them? Them. Seriously? Do you KNOW what they DID?? Have you forgotten? Hmm… Jonah. What about you? Did you not that many weeks ago disobey me and run in the entire opposite direction of where I told you to go? Did you openly accept my grace and mercy? Why is my Grace only meant for YOU? I am here for the sinners.

At first, I sat there pointing my finger, pashawing Jonah from my comfy chair in church. Then God turned my pointy finger right back at me. You, Alicia? Really? Why do you think that my grace is only meant for you? You pray for Charlie Brown’s mom. You say you want her to heal and make it. You say you want her to know Me. Yet, when it looks to you like she is going to “win,” you sit there and pout. Except you won’t openly admit how very mad at me you really are. At least Jonah yelled at me. You hide in the shadows and have one foot pointed in the direction I told you NOT to go. I haven’t forgotten you. I have given you grace. I gave Jonah a vine to shade himself, and he let it die. I give you a support system and a church and friends to help you, and you run the other way so you don’t have to face them. Don’t let your vine wither away, too.

Bottom line, God IS in control. No matter how He wants it played out, that is how it will happen. He has His reasons. I don’t know why or how. I can’t stomp and pout just because it didn’t go how I thought it should. Doesn’t mean I won’t let Him know how I feel once in awhile. And yes, it really did take this sermon for me to realize how very angry I am. I feel the wall going up around my heart. Brick by brick I know I am allowing the devil to pull me away. I don’t want to feel anything because to do so, could cause me to crumble completely . And yes, even as I write that, I know that that is precisely where God will make Himself known to me and use me.


Linking up with Michelle and Jen

Hiding

The thoughts rush through my head and I try to ignore them.
The what ifs. The sick feelings. The check lists. The statistics.

I lay awake with worry. I walk around with a pit in my stomach.

I know I need to open the Word.

I know I need to go to my Father and lay it all out before Him.

But I don't. I can't.

I send up a short plea and stop short. All I've managed to cry is "help" In a teeny tiny voice. And then I run so I don't have to hear His reply. Even if it was to comfort me. It is a risk I am not willing to take. So I suffer some more.

I refuse to read blogs- they hit me in the face with the Truth and right now, I just don't want to hear it.
I don't pray because I am unable to say "Your will be done." I want to say "let me have my way" and since I know I can't do that, I hide.

A friend pulls on me. Nagging me with prayers and scripture. She keeps trying to shine a light in my dark hiding place. Talk about annoying.

Finally, I cave a little. I open my "go to" devotional book- Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. I have read it all before, but each day is different. I open the book to the day.
"The world is too much with you, my child ...Though I yearn to help, I will not violate your freedom. I stand silently in the background of your mind, waiting for you to remember that I am with you"

And I thank Him for loving friends who care enough to come in to my dark place with annoying flashlights. For the flick of the lightswitch chasing away the darkness. And pour out my heart to Him so He can carry me.

Zephaniah 3:17 The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.

She asked me Why...

At our last visit with Charlie Brown's mom, she did the inevitable. She looked me square in the eye and asked  why I decided to become a foster parent.

It isn't a ridiculous question, and I am asked it quite often. But it is a hard question to answer when it comes from the parent of the child in your home- especially when you are in the Foster to Adopt program. Not just any old Foster parent program. It's hard to answer and say "because I want to be a forever family to a child in need whose parents can no longer take adequate care of them" Hmmm.... I know her well enough to know that would not have gone well. So I gave the same answer I do when I'm uncomfortable and don't know what to say- I cracked a joke and brushed it off. Something about being legally insane to willingly get involved with DHS and court systems and the state of Iowa. Not altogether a lie, but definitely avoiding the truth.

Unfortunately God wouldn't let it rest. That answer was not good enough for Him. While I didn't appreciate the nudging, I do appreciate that He knows me enough to know that if I am going to be honest, I need to do this via letter. So I did.
Here is my answer to her:

And then, the million dollar question. Why did we become foster parents? I know I avoided answering, and it isn’t always an easy answer for me, but I feel as though I owe you the real answer. I have very personal reasons for doing this and honestly my answer has changed in the 3 years since we began. I was very blessed to give birth to two of my own kids, however that was a miracle in and of itself and after those two, I could not have anymore. I knew I wanted more kids and adoption has been on my heart since I was young, because I never thought I would be able to have any of my own kids. We looked at a lot of options and I prayed about it a LOT. We very definitely felt God calling us to look at the waiting kids here in the US. So, we took our classes and got our license and then we waited. We have done a lot of waiting. Yes, my first selfish reason for doing this whole process was to be able to adopt kids for our family. However, after being in this system for a few years, God has shown me the reasons He brought us to this point. I know that I may never add any of our kids to our home forever. We may never be a forever family. And that is okay. We are able to be there for children who need us. We can offer them safety, stability and love when their world is turned upside down. I am seeing how corrupt the foster system can be- families who have no business taking care of anyone else’s kids. People who don’t offer love, but wait instead for a check. My heart is for these kids. Kids bounced around from one place to another. Kids being treated like a burden rather than a joy. And that is why I am here. That is why I renew our license and put up with the state’s crap. I love kids, I love taking care of kids. Are we the perfect home? Not a chance. I have failed placements in my home. I had to see my limitations and have them transferred. But I am here to try. I am doing what I can. A small thing in a big world that needs a lot.


I just can’t be the person grumbling about the foster care system or feeling so sad for kids who need a place and not do anything about it. So, you may worry that my goal is to keep your son, but that is not my goal. My goal is to help him for a time in his life when he needs it. Has he stolen my heart? Most definitely! Look at him, how could he not?! My desire is for Charlie Brown to have the best life he can possibly have and to know at all times that he is loved. No matter where he is. And that is the honest truth.

Okay, this was probably more information than you wanted, but like I said, I feel as though I owe you the full truth. I do also hold to my original answer: you must first be crazy, or it just won’t work in this system.

I will find out Wednesday what she thinks of my honesty...

James 1:27- Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress
John 14:18 I will not leave you as orphans, I will come to you


Linking up with Jen and Michelle today...

Fear Not

Fear.
It gets a grip on us and sometimes just doesn't let go.  Okay, it gets a grip on me.
And I don't do well with voicing my fear. Mostly because I don't always realize that it is fear.  But these last few days and weeks I have held in an awful lot of fear.
And what disturbs me the most about my fear, is that it is stemming from a lack of trust. In God. And that hurts me to my very core to admit. I didn't realize it, or *ahem* admit it...

What clued me in? My prayers were going a little something like this... "Please God, we pray for Charlie Brown and that he knows you love him. Watch over his mom and help her to get well (after its too late). Lord, if it be your will, (Lordpleaseletthisbeyourwill)... Do what is best for Charlie Brown (which clearly is to be in our stable home) I know that you love him even more than we can and you won't let him be hurt (except for when you allow those growing moments through tragedy and I am so not wanting that, I read Covenant Child, God. That is NOT what I have in mind here....)

Not very pleasant to look at. And not very pleasant for Him to hear.

Sunday morning I expected to know the story. It was Easter after all.
Do not be afraid!
Fear not!
Do not be afraid!
Why are you scared?

Sound familiar?
Every time an angel appeared in the Bible they had to start this way. In ancient times people were afraid of what they didn't understand. Today we aren't much different.
The problem is that we seem to feed off of our fears. Scary movies, imagining worst possible scenarios, crime shows. We seem to be addicted to fear.

So when we are told to FEAR NOT, of course its hard to listen to this.
But, we are not simply told to not be afraid.

John 3:16 "For God so loved ME, that He sent his one and only son, so that I may live and have eternal life!"

If my God would do that for me, how can I not trust Him with every part of my life.

I know that God will not promise me that Charlie Brown will be here forever. I know that He won't promise that we may hurt. I know that He won't promise that CB's mom won't hurt. I don't even know if Charlie Brown will be able to have a life away from the evil that landed him here.
What I do know is that God will be with him. God will hold me, my children, my husband, and Charlie Brown. He will be the same God that sent His son over 2000 years ago.
Why should I fear?

Linking up a little late with Michelle,
 



And Jen,

Fired Up

I sat in my brother and sister in laws church and watched the young girls and their counselors worship.

I read the banner hanging up on the side "Fired Up".

I looked again at the faces up front.

There was not too much fire or passion burning. In fact, most of them, including the mentors looked as though they would rather be anywhere other then up there. Worshipping.

I looked at myself and felt the irony as well.

I can say the words, I can be where I need to be, but am I fired up?

Do I want to be in the front worshipping? Putting worship and quality time with Him first?

Sadly, no. My Bible study lessons get shoved to the end of the long to do lists. My prayers are short and hurried.

I feel that instead of one great big fire for Him, I have a whole bunch of lighters running out of fluid because I am fueling them with anything but the Word.

I need to stop dousing the flame in lighter fluid for a quick rush and work on stacking the wood just right and adding the right amount consistently to keep the fire burning steady and hot. I need to not let the embers turn to cold ashes.

How about you? Do you let your ashes burn out? How do you keep the fire for Him burning steady.

Linking up with Michelle at Graceful once again... please join me over there!

Giving In

For as long as I have written anything I have denied being a writer.
I even say it on my profile over there on the right "I am not a writer, I am a talker" And I honestly truly believe this. I have improper grammar and sentence structure and I cannot wax anything poetically. I was pretty sure I knew where my gifts were and weren't. Writing was not my gift. I write like I speak, a jumbled mess that I pray SOMEONE can make sense of and understand my point.

And then I took some time off blogging. Not deliberately, but just lack of time to spend on writing and reading blogs with the addition of Charlie Brown. And during that time I noticed something about me. I missed writing.

I missed working my mind to tell stories of my days and observances.
I missed seeing my God in the small things, because I wasn't looking.
Writing for me, while far from accurate or profound or anything too great, is my...gulp...spiritual gift??

If you have been here before, you know this is a huge struggle for me.I don't pat myself on the back. I don't pump myself up. I do believe I am called to be insignificant.

I sat through the sermon as he said "You cannot choose your talent. You can discover it, and sharpen it. You cannot choose it"
Well. I certainly did not choose writing. I did discover it. I think I am working to improve it. (though I realize I have a long ways to go)

So while I have been protesting any special gift or talent or knowing my place... I may have to give in to the fact that maybe. Just maybe. God may have given me the gift to write. Maybe He really is calling me to use this gift for His kingdom.

I am reading my notes from this sermon and it strikes a cord, knowing that blogging is not the only writing I do. I write weekly letters to a woman in prison... whose baby boy happens to be living here. My notes say this: The focus is to be 'how does God call me to use these gifts?' Not on getting these gifts and shoeing off, but showing  love by using gifts for God. A gift of mercy in the name of Jesus Christ. 

Are you working on sharpening your gifts? Are you still trying to find them? That's okay, God will reveal them when He is ready.



Esther 4:14 For if you keep silent at this time, relief and deliverance will rise for the Jews from another place, but you and your father’s house will perish. And who knows whether you have not come to the kingdom for such a time as this?"



Linking up with http://nebraskagraceful.blogspot.com/

Heard it. Yes, I heard okay?!

I have been wanting to link up Hear it on Sunday, Use it on Monday with Michelle over at Graceful for quite some time now but between being snowed in at hockey tournaments and computer crashes, I haven't quite gotten that done. Hopefully this is the day.

The fact that is has taken me this long may also have to do with the fact that as a general rule I need to hear things SEVERAL Sundays or times before I really HEAR it. This is no exception to that and I am still struggling. I am hearing, I just don't want to listen.

A few weeks ago I received what I assumed was a random text message. It contained a very nice Bible verse and I read it, smiled, and thought that was lovely. And moved on.
I then went to get the mail and was quite surprised to find a letter from Charlie Brown's (yes, that's the name I'm going with for our foster baby for the sake of this blog since I cannot use his real name- if you saw his head you would confirm that it is quite a fitting title. Ahem.) mom. I was a little bit surprised. Okay, a lot surprised. I didn't think she would have access to my information. Guess again! I wanted to tear it open to see what she could possibly say, and I wanted to tear it up and pretend she didn't actually exist. Turns out that she really is a real person with a real story- whether or not I hear the truth in her story doesn't matter. She is his mom. I still had no desire to talk to her or write her or be nice or anything. I was still ready to tear up the letter and take Charlie Brown and my family and head to Figi. (not really so please do not report me to DHS, they already have my number thankyouverymuch. )

Are you curious about the verse yet? It was about the time I was browsing real estate in the tropics (*ahem*) that the gentle nudge came to reread that text. Fine. I will read it. "Live wisely among those who are not believers, and make the most of every opportunity. Let your conversation be gracious and attractive so that you will have the right response for everyone". Col. 4:5 NLT.  Nowhere in that verse does it tell me to pack up and flee the country so I decided to re-read it. Make the most of every opportunity. Yes, you certainly did give me the opportunity to present the gospel to an unbeliever, didn't you God. Just like I asked not that long ago. Let your conversation be gracious and attractive.  So...sarcasm will not be appreciated in my response to her then?

I would like to say that all of this alone was convicting enough to change my heart and attitude, but for those of you who know me, I just don't sway that easily. I did promptly text a "thank you" -of sorts- to dear Erin for her oh so timely Bible texts. And I did find a lovely card with some nice verses on it to send my letter back to mom in. On ther surface I do believe I looked quite gracious.

Enter in Sunday. A few Sundays later mind you, but there it was none the less. Let me just share with you a sampling of song titles, if you don't know the songs, google them.
 I Give You my Heart
The Potter's Hand
Have Thine Own Way Lord (mmm-hmmm)
We are an Offering
Make Me a Channel of Your Peace
Take My Life and Let it Be
and of course ...
I Surrender All. 

Now. I like to think I catch on pretty quick. But. I don't always want to.
I am not sure how much more clearly our Heavenly Father could say to me "This is NOT about you. This is not about "the mom". This is not even about Charlie Brown. This is about ME. This is MY story. You are an instrument in MY kingdom to bring people to ME. Whether you like it or not."

Do I know what is going to happen with Charlie Brown? No. Do I know what will happen with "the mom"? Nope. Do I know what will happen to our family? Not a chance.
How do I go on? Because I do know that despite all I don't know, GOD KNOWS. And He will take care of everyone. My only job here is to be a gracious speaker and to show kindness and compassion where I don't want to. My job is to show the light of Christ to a very dark place. I know that I cannot do this. But I do know that God can. And that is all I need to know right now.

To meet Michelle, click the box above to see more great inspiring stories. You'll be so glad you did!