Laying Isaac Down

A few weeks back I was reading some of the link up's to Michelle's Hear it on Sunday linky party and I came across Deidra at Jumping Tandem. She wrote of the story of Abraham and Isaac and how Abraham did not argue with God. He took his son WHOM HE LOVED and was prepared to take his own knife to him, because God commanded it. And much like Deidra, I want the rest of this story. I want details here. I want to know if Abraham was sobbing uncontrollably. Was he stoic instead? Did he sleep that night before? Instead all we get is "God will provide the lamb" to his obviously confused son. Steadfast faith is evident.

This post has stuck with me since reading it. Nagging me. So I read and re-read in many different translations the story of Abraham and Isaac. I have been bothered and not wanting to talk about it because I know what God is telling me. We have to lay our "Isaac" down. we need to bring this son whom we love and present him before God, and God alone. We are  being called to act out our faith, no matter how painful and bring Charlie Brown before God and trust that the Lord will provide.

This has been killing me for weeks. To think of giving him back to a shaky situation at best has my stomach in knots. I haven't wanted to talk about it, because saying it out loud makes it too real. And there is always the hope that I am wrong, oh what a blessing it is to be wrong sometimes!
After struggling with this inner turmoil for so long, last night I finally found my peace.
Re-reading this passage again, I know what God is calling me to do.

TRUST.

Not in the "okay Lord I trust you so lets go ahead and do this my way now" kind of trust that I seem to fall into so very easily. But that undenying "God this is your child, he is yours, I give him to you fully without any conditions because I know that you love him and I will still praise you" trust.

The Lord will provide. He will provide a safe home for this sweet baby. My prayer is still that that will be our home, but without knowing even that, I need to say "Here he is Lord, this son whom I love. I give him fully to you."

And, because the lack of details in Abrahams story are so frustrating to me, I will share with you this. It is with deep anguish and despair. Gut wrenching sick feelings. The tears flow and I try to cling. I move in slow motion as to not rush to the day when we are called up. I pray for this son. I pray that he is not hurt and can have his life without unnecessary pain. I yearn for it to be different, but cannot deny what my God has asked. And I know that He will provide.

I now have to mention that I wrote this over a week ago and was unable to publish it at that time. I knew I wasn't ready. This past week we have learned that these feelings were right. As sad as this makes us, we have peace that can only come from above. I know that when the day actually comes- 6 weeks or so, we will mourn, but today, we enjoy our little man and praise God for the gift of his light in our life these past 6 months.