A New HOPE

Sunrise over Maui

 As the month of May rushes past us, even though its only just begun, I feel the tug of two directions.
YAY! The school year is almost over! No more running around and crazy schedules and fighting over math papers and rushing to lessons and practices and.... phew.
BUT, as this year rushes to an end, the kids and I are beginning our goodbyes. I want to pull on the ropes and draw everything to a halt so I can have more time. I'm not ready! I can't have all of these "lasts" piled on top of each other so fast. I can't plan all the good-byes I wanted to at this speed of light pace. I want to drop an anchor and just be. still.

It's safe here. I know what's around the corner. I know who I will see at the grocery store and know the checkers by name... and they know mine. I know who's working at my favorite restaurants and what to order. I know when I will see my friends in school pick up lines and where to sit in church. I know where my kids will be riding bike and who they are with. I know their friends' families- I grew up with most of those parents.  I feel secure.

My anchor is in the water. My hope is in Christ. No matter which direction I feel pulled in, the anchor holds firm. He promises to not let me fall overboard.

I realized this as I had my first "goodbye" this month. My HOPE ladies. Fitting, no?  A group of moms who walked, dove, ran, and yes, were dragged, into the life of foster/adoptive parents. These ladies have acted as support and anchors for me as I trudged through last year. As the winds howled and tornadoes popped up, we embraced new hellos and attempted goodbyes. We laughed as we said this wouldn't be goodbye- the Lord would take us then and we will have all of eternity to laugh until we cry and cry until we laugh. To hold each other up in prayer and love and grace. Because we are all anchored together in the love of Christ.


We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. Hebrews 6:19a

Linking up with Jen, and the Soli Sisters

My Friend

I know, I know. I have been a wee bit absent around here lately. I could come up with many excuses for you, none of which are good. So, lets just pretend I didn't take an extended sabitical for the last few months and accept that I am here today. Thank goodness for grace.

So, I have an unlikely friend. No body really understands the hows and whys- on both ends. In her world foster parents are the enemy. In her reality, we are support. In my world bio moms are the enemy. In my reality, she is my lifeline.

If you had asked me a year ago if I would ever be friends with her, I probably would have laughed. Synically.
My life was good.
I was happy.
My kids were happy.
Then we were all broken.

I blamed her.
Why would I want to be her friend?

Little by little, my anger subsided.
My heart healed.
My family healed.
We were going to be okay.

Charlie Brown was okay too.
He is happy.
She is happy.
We talk on the phone. We text. We laugh.
I help her when she needs it. Offering a listening ear, parenting advice. Just being there. Being an "auntie" to the little man who ran away with our hearts.

She helps me. She shares him with me. I know that's not easy to do. But she does it. She lets me love on him. She calls me and asks for help when she needs it. Instead of shutting me out.

We help each other. Why? Because we both love that bald little wild man and we both want him to have the best life possible.
Why are we friends? Because we are both undeserving of Grace, and yet we have both been given it.
Did I plan this? No. But God has shown me what I need to do and given me the grace and peace to follow Him. And I am grateful that He sees things we don't.
For now I have a good friend. One who I trust and love and who I want to see succeed.

 "A man's heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps"

Proverbs 16:9

Linking up with Michelle and Jen.... head over there for more great reads...

Hiding

The thoughts rush through my head and I try to ignore them.
The what ifs. The sick feelings. The check lists. The statistics.

I lay awake with worry. I walk around with a pit in my stomach.

I know I need to open the Word.

I know I need to go to my Father and lay it all out before Him.

But I don't. I can't.

I send up a short plea and stop short. All I've managed to cry is "help" In a teeny tiny voice. And then I run so I don't have to hear His reply. Even if it was to comfort me. It is a risk I am not willing to take. So I suffer some more.

I refuse to read blogs- they hit me in the face with the Truth and right now, I just don't want to hear it.
I don't pray because I am unable to say "Your will be done." I want to say "let me have my way" and since I know I can't do that, I hide.

A friend pulls on me. Nagging me with prayers and scripture. She keeps trying to shine a light in my dark hiding place. Talk about annoying.

Finally, I cave a little. I open my "go to" devotional book- Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. I have read it all before, but each day is different. I open the book to the day.
"The world is too much with you, my child ...Though I yearn to help, I will not violate your freedom. I stand silently in the background of your mind, waiting for you to remember that I am with you"

And I thank Him for loving friends who care enough to come in to my dark place with annoying flashlights. For the flick of the lightswitch chasing away the darkness. And pour out my heart to Him so He can carry me.

Zephaniah 3:17 The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.

What makes me... me

This morning I am off visiting with my friend Diane Estrella. She was brave (or foolish) and asked me an innocent question that she had no idea would stir up so very much emotion for me. She decided to use the verbal vomit placed on her lap and turn it into a positive- isn't that awesome how God uses friends to take what we feel is our worst moment and turn it into something like "awesomeness personified"?! (her words, not mine)
So, while I have yet to forgive her for hijacking the photo of  me that she did (truly, its hijacked from Facebook- or maybe Bina willingly supplied it to her- they are both evil like that) I would love for you to go check out her site today... Diane Estrella: That's What I'm Here For. She has been an amazing friend, and she is the greatest encourager that I have ever meant. Now go!

And if you're visiting from Diane's place, Welcome! Grab a cup of coffee, sit back and let's get to know each other. I hope you'll feel comfortable here.

Sneak Peek

Haven't had time to put a real post yet, but here are some sneak peeks to show that we are having a great time!

Huntington Beach

Our names in the sand.

I promise I will soon have an actual report, but for now, this is as good as it gets! ;)

But WAIT! Head on over to Bina's Pad and check out what she's got to say about this... ;)

Unedited

We sit at computer screens and share our lives. Our joys. Our sorrows. Our fears. Our hopes Our laughter. Our tears.

Yet we edit.

 I can't tell these people how much I yelled at my daughter this morning over a pair of shoes!

I can't tell them how long it took me to find this verse that I wanted to share- that maybe I'm not as knowledgable as they think.

Thank goodness these people didn't hear what I said. Or thought.

Here's a good picture of me, at least you can't see how big my bottom is in it!

Let me put make-up on just so before taking a picture for this.

Type something funny and witty. Delete. Re-type. Delete. Re-type.

Crop here. Edit that.

We share our lives, yet we're able to tuck away the parts that cause our insecurities. Today, I will come face to face with one whom I've shared so many of those joys, sorrows, laughs, tears, and hopes with. FACE to FACE. For the first time.

There is no editing.

My thoughts invade:
She'll be able to see all of me- fluffy tummy and all. What if she's repulsed?

What if she is annoyed by my loud laugh?

She'll be able to see all of me- fluffy tummy and all. What if she's repulsed?

What if she's driven over the edge by my chatter and frustrated that as soon as more people are there, I clam up.

What if I cry to much during the retreat, or not enough. What if I giggle at the most serious time because that's what happens sometimes.

What if she finds me boring. What if we have nothing to talk about (so not likely!) What if I say something I would have preferred to delete and re-type.

She'll see me. All of me. Unedited.

I am bursting with joy and nervousness at the anticipation of a weekend with a friend that God has led to me. A friendship that only He can weave together from the heart of the midwest to the California coast. A time of reflection and spriritual renewal in the mountains of California.

I can't wait, dear Bina. To see you face to face. Unedited.