Painful Grace

 This morning as I sat in church listening to the pastor speak about Abraham and Isaac and Abraham's trusting submission, I was struck with a very distinct memory of a very old post. I had to revisit it. And update it. When I wrote it in June of 2011, I could never have imagined where God would bring us. Here is the original: 

This post has stuck with me since reading it. Nagging me. So I read and re-read in many different translations the story of Abraham and Isaac. I have been bothered and not wanting to talk about it because I know what God is telling me. We have to lay our "Isaac" down. we need to bring this son whom we love and present him before God, and God alone. We are  being called to act out our faith, no matter how painful and bring Charlie Brown before God and trust that the Lord will provide. 

This has been killing me for weeks. To think of giving him back to a shaky situation at best has my stomach in knots. I haven't wanted to talk about it, because saying it out loud makes it too real. And there is always the hope that I am wrong, oh what a blessing it is to be wrong sometimes! 
After struggling with this inner turmoil for so long, last night I finally found my peace. 
Re-reading this passage again, I know what God is calling me to do. 

TRUST. 

Not in the "okay Lord I trust you so lets go ahead and do this my way now" kind of trust that I seem to fall into so very easily. But that un-denying "God this is your child, he is yours, I give him to you fully without any conditions because I know that you love him and I will still praise you" trust. 

The Lord will provide. He will provide a safe home for this sweet baby. My prayer is still that that will be our home, but without knowing even that, I need to say "Here he is Lord, this son whom I love. I give him fully to you." 

And, because the lack of details in Abrahams story are so frustrating to me, I will share with you this. It is with deep anguish and despair. Gut wrenching sick feelings. The tears flow and I try to cling. I move in slow motion as to not rush to the day when we are called up. I pray for this son. I pray that he is not hurt and can have his life without unnecessary pain. I yearn for it to be different, but cannot deny what my God has asked. And I know that He will provide.

I now have to mention that I wrote this over a week ago and was unable to publish it at that time. I knew I wasn't ready. This past week we have learned that these feelings were right. As sad as this makes us, we have peace that can only come from above. I know that when the day actually comes- 6 weeks or so, we will mourn, but today, we enjoy our little man and praise God for the gift of his light in our life these past 6 months.

Coming back to today. January 18, 2015. Four years and 11 days since this baby shook up our world. Four years since this precious baby clung to me as I mourned the loss of my dear grandma. Three years, 5 months, and 7 days since we obeyed God's painful call. God calling us to give our sweet baby back to an unstable situation made no sense to us. Yet we were granted peace. We were terrified. Yet we had peace. It hurt, we loved him. But God loved him more. God also loved this baby's mom. And without her son to love and fight for, she may have given up. Today, we are friends. Today, we call and text and share pictures. Charlie Brown visits us and stays with us. He knows I am also his mother, he even says foster mom without knowing what that means. He calls Jackson his brother and Maicy is his, don't argue with him. We have JOY. His mom has joy, knowing that she is in a good place and providing for her son and giving him the best of both worlds. He has 2 families who love him more than life. Only God could do that. If we had kept him for ourselves, we would have denied God the chance to bless all of our lives.
When we get out of God's way, and don't try to fix it, He does do amazing things. 

My Friend

I know, I know. I have been a wee bit absent around here lately. I could come up with many excuses for you, none of which are good. So, lets just pretend I didn't take an extended sabitical for the last few months and accept that I am here today. Thank goodness for grace.

So, I have an unlikely friend. No body really understands the hows and whys- on both ends. In her world foster parents are the enemy. In her reality, we are support. In my world bio moms are the enemy. In my reality, she is my lifeline.

If you had asked me a year ago if I would ever be friends with her, I probably would have laughed. Synically.
My life was good.
I was happy.
My kids were happy.
Then we were all broken.

I blamed her.
Why would I want to be her friend?

Little by little, my anger subsided.
My heart healed.
My family healed.
We were going to be okay.

Charlie Brown was okay too.
He is happy.
She is happy.
We talk on the phone. We text. We laugh.
I help her when she needs it. Offering a listening ear, parenting advice. Just being there. Being an "auntie" to the little man who ran away with our hearts.

She helps me. She shares him with me. I know that's not easy to do. But she does it. She lets me love on him. She calls me and asks for help when she needs it. Instead of shutting me out.

We help each other. Why? Because we both love that bald little wild man and we both want him to have the best life possible.
Why are we friends? Because we are both undeserving of Grace, and yet we have both been given it.
Did I plan this? No. But God has shown me what I need to do and given me the grace and peace to follow Him. And I am grateful that He sees things we don't.
For now I have a good friend. One who I trust and love and who I want to see succeed.

 "A man's heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps"

Proverbs 16:9

Linking up with Michelle and Jen.... head over there for more great reads...

A note from Charlie Brown...

Good Grief.

I can't believe it's been a month since this blog has been written on!

I need to interject here, since my favorite foster mama doesn't seem to take the time.

Things are going well. We are enjoying this beautiful summer weather- I especially like to be outside in the grass or swinging or going for stroller rides or watching Jackson and Maicy have water balloon fights or hanging out at the pool. Did I mention I love summer?!

I also love to eat and travel, things we seem to do an awful lot of. It seems like I am always myself in the mirror on the back of the seat.

We visit my other mom, she seems nice too.

I hear I am going to spend some time with her soon.

I think that I will be sad to leave my family here- these kids really are lots of fun to hang out with! But, one thing they keep on teaching me here is that Jesus Loves Me and He will watch over me wherever I go. And that we get to visit each other soon.

I don't know who I am going to live with forever yet, will you pray for me in that regard?

I love my family here an awful lot, and they love me an awful lot too.

But I know my mommy loves me and misses me too.

That's why I am glad I don't have to decide. God is the supreme judge and so He gets to decide.

Oh here, my FFMama has something to add... Good Grief.

I am sorry for disappearing. We are busy enjoying summer and working through a lot of stuff here.

I have tried to at least stop by and read other blogs, but blogger is not being kind and I can't leave comments. I hope to get this situation resolved soon! I don't know if it's my computer or if it is Blogger, but it is frustrating just the same.

I will be back soon, but Charlie Brown had some stuff to say first. :)

Hope you are all having an awesome summer!

Linking up with Jen and the Soli Sisters...

She asked me Why...

At our last visit with Charlie Brown's mom, she did the inevitable. She looked me square in the eye and asked  why I decided to become a foster parent.

It isn't a ridiculous question, and I am asked it quite often. But it is a hard question to answer when it comes from the parent of the child in your home- especially when you are in the Foster to Adopt program. Not just any old Foster parent program. It's hard to answer and say "because I want to be a forever family to a child in need whose parents can no longer take adequate care of them" Hmmm.... I know her well enough to know that would not have gone well. So I gave the same answer I do when I'm uncomfortable and don't know what to say- I cracked a joke and brushed it off. Something about being legally insane to willingly get involved with DHS and court systems and the state of Iowa. Not altogether a lie, but definitely avoiding the truth.

Unfortunately God wouldn't let it rest. That answer was not good enough for Him. While I didn't appreciate the nudging, I do appreciate that He knows me enough to know that if I am going to be honest, I need to do this via letter. So I did.
Here is my answer to her:

And then, the million dollar question. Why did we become foster parents? I know I avoided answering, and it isn’t always an easy answer for me, but I feel as though I owe you the real answer. I have very personal reasons for doing this and honestly my answer has changed in the 3 years since we began. I was very blessed to give birth to two of my own kids, however that was a miracle in and of itself and after those two, I could not have anymore. I knew I wanted more kids and adoption has been on my heart since I was young, because I never thought I would be able to have any of my own kids. We looked at a lot of options and I prayed about it a LOT. We very definitely felt God calling us to look at the waiting kids here in the US. So, we took our classes and got our license and then we waited. We have done a lot of waiting. Yes, my first selfish reason for doing this whole process was to be able to adopt kids for our family. However, after being in this system for a few years, God has shown me the reasons He brought us to this point. I know that I may never add any of our kids to our home forever. We may never be a forever family. And that is okay. We are able to be there for children who need us. We can offer them safety, stability and love when their world is turned upside down. I am seeing how corrupt the foster system can be- families who have no business taking care of anyone else’s kids. People who don’t offer love, but wait instead for a check. My heart is for these kids. Kids bounced around from one place to another. Kids being treated like a burden rather than a joy. And that is why I am here. That is why I renew our license and put up with the state’s crap. I love kids, I love taking care of kids. Are we the perfect home? Not a chance. I have failed placements in my home. I had to see my limitations and have them transferred. But I am here to try. I am doing what I can. A small thing in a big world that needs a lot.


I just can’t be the person grumbling about the foster care system or feeling so sad for kids who need a place and not do anything about it. So, you may worry that my goal is to keep your son, but that is not my goal. My goal is to help him for a time in his life when he needs it. Has he stolen my heart? Most definitely! Look at him, how could he not?! My desire is for Charlie Brown to have the best life he can possibly have and to know at all times that he is loved. No matter where he is. And that is the honest truth.

Okay, this was probably more information than you wanted, but like I said, I feel as though I owe you the full truth. I do also hold to my original answer: you must first be crazy, or it just won’t work in this system.

I will find out Wednesday what she thinks of my honesty...

James 1:27- Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress
John 14:18 I will not leave you as orphans, I will come to you


Linking up with Jen and Michelle today...

Ch-ch-ch-changing

So I've been a little scarce these days. Going from 2-3 posts a week to 2-3 posts a month may have been a drastic cut.

But I've been busy...

Aside from dodging snowbanks in the middle of the city streets

I've had other things to do.

Things like swapping out my favorite Bath and Body scents for Baby Magic....

And my regular jewelry for some new bling...

And there is the always important To Do List...

I know its around here somewhere, but I just can't seem to find it right now...

This past month has been a whirlwind. We bond, we laugh, we cry, we pray. Oh my. Do we ever pray. So many what ifs are still floating around and just when I think we're good, I fear all over again. But still, we bond, we laugh, we love.

So, I apologize for being a bad blogger. Not visiting other blogs and not writing on my own. I don't see much of my computer and its kind of okay right now. I will try to be a little more faithful, but, sometimes important things come up... like that to do list. Bonding via naps is always on the top of that list.

Still Waiting...

Well, I had hoped to come back with all the fabulous scripture our group came up with on waiting, however, I was the only group member there this morning, so, I will share what I alone found. (I didn't go to our evening group which had a better turn out, just in case you think I'm completely making up the fact that I lead an actual Bible study. Though that clearly isn't far from the truth.*ahem* lets move on.)

I will give you a little background into my last few weeks before I start what I have a feeling could be a lengthy post. Go ahead and get comfy. Or run now. :)
I haven't made this public knowledge other that to a few prayer partners and my Bible study- the one that exists, not the other one, but this week we were expecting to receive to foster placements into our home. It has been 15 months since this has happened and we were excited, nervous, and actually peaceful. We received the call when my husband was in China- of course- and therefore I didn't want to talk about it until I was really able to talk to him about it. Their hearing was set for this past Wednesday. I started making the necessary arrangements and purchasing of necesseties and trying to let school know without anyone else knowing. It is hard to tell people this will happen until it actually happens because working with DHS is just not a certain thing. So, the before I am preparing to share news with family and attempting to get ahold of the case worker. FINALLY, she returns my call. "Oh, well, J and O have already been placed in another home. Kids Net should have calle you" At that moment my breath left me and I fought back tears of hurt, frustration and anger. And then I had to go back and join my Coffee Break group- who knew none of this, and still doesn't. I did hold it together up until the moment I had to pick up some lunch for hubs and I at Quizno's. Chris Tomlin's song Sing, Sing, Sing, was on the radio in there and it took me down. I was angry, and I did not want to sing, sing, sing to God right then. Our family had been waiting, and waiting, and waiting. I am so very worn down and tired from waiting. I had come to a point of peace that our family may physically never grow, then the call comes and you gain hope again. Only to have that hope ripped away in an instant. Really, God? Was that very nice? That kinda hurt a lot. And ya hurt my baby girl a lot. She was looking forward to this, has been for years. She prays for them every single day to not miss their mama and dad so much and to keep them safe until they are out of their house. She prays with all of her heart. Really? She is tired of waiting too, God.

Enter in the Bible study topic of the moment- Waiting. I honestly checked out a bit on this one. I made no real effort to go to the evening group even though I knew there would be discussion a plenty and great scripture to back it up. I didn't want to hear it. Until the next morning. I finally sat down with God and said "okay, lets do this. Show me" And then I wished with all of my heart that I had been at Bible study the night before. Lesson learned.

Abraham and Sara, Jonathan and Elizabeth, Esther, Hannah, Moses and the Israelites.... those are the names laid out on paper before me. These people waited. They lost patience, they waited. And God delivered. And when He delivered, He did so in a way that was so much more than these mere mortals could ever have dreamed up. They knew what God promised, they asked for what they could imagine, but God has so much more mighty plans then our minds could ever imagine! Does it make the waiting easier? I don't think it does, unless you cling to Him with every single ounce of your being and don't take your eyes off of Him for a second.
I was sharing this with a friend of mine who lives in her own life of waiting that was recently very painful also, and her question to me was "But what did these people do while they waited? Why doesn't God show us that?"
We know we are called to wait- we know we are blessed in waiting, but HOW to do it? That remains the greatest question.

Psalm 130:5 I wait for the Lord, and my soul waits and in His word I put my hope.
Hope in Him, wait in Him, that's the best I can do right now.

*if you're family and wondering why you still didn't hear about the foster plan, its really hard to bring it up after the fact and say we were going to but now we're not.

**After I wrote this, I headed to school to have lunch with my son. I was looking at his pictures hanging on the walls and they had verses on prayer. Jackson's verse? Psalm 66:20 Praise be to God, who has not rejected my prayer or withheld his love from me! This is where MY hope lies and this is how I will wait. Amen.

God is good! All the time!

Insignificant Me

Yesterday I was blessed (as blessed as one can be to ride a bus with a bunch of 4th graders and chase them around a pond all day) enough to go along on my 4th grade son's field trip. We learned about Iowa wildlife, searched for tracks, learned about the prairie grasses, and were introduced to some bugs.
Most of what we talked about or identified had a distinguishable purpose in the ecosystem. But, not all of them.

We came upon a lace bug- while it was interesting to look at and unique, when asked what the point of this bug was, our guide said it didn't have much of a purpose. And then she said something that I can't get out of my head. "Some creatures were not made to be significant.  They may never be more than the bottom of the food chain."

I thought that it was a depressing thought at first. And then on the ride home I thought about it some more. In this world we are so driven to be the best. Who can make more money. Who has the bigger business. Who has the biggest house. Who has the fastest car. Who has the most read blog. It is ingrained in us every day.

And I sit on the sideline and watch this go by. I have never been driven to be the best at anything. I am a hairdresser. Did I ever dream of being the greatest hairdresser to the stars? No. I have never in my work of any kind, dreamed of being anything great. I want to do my job, respect those I come across and come home. I am a foster parent. Do I strive to take in more kids than anyone else to earn a reward. No. That scares me! Yes, its great to help, but its not my goal to save the world. I am a blogger. Do I hope to have a great big blog with thousands of followers and make money from this? No. I am just here, getting stuff off my chest and hopefully brightening one or two people's day. I have no huge aspirations for my life. I never have. I have never wanted to be the next greatest anything.

For a long time, this made me feel like I was lazy or unmotivated. What was wrong with me that I never dreamt of the way it could be? Then, today, I was reminded that sometimes we are just created and not called to be something significant. And you know what? That is okay.

My hope doesn't rest in my success. My hope rests in Christ. This is my goal. To be a positive example and a light for Christ. To share Christ's love with everyone. Not by being the next Max Lucado, Rick Warren or Billy Graham. Just by being Alicia- daughter of a Savior, Sinner, wretch, humble, broken, mom, wife. If I can leave this world and only my husband and children say "She lived for God and we think she was the greatest", then my life was just as significant as if 5 million people said I was great.

I am not saying no one should have goals and dreams to be great. God made us all for a purpose and He will use each of us in His own way. I'm just telling you, that if you sometimes feel insignificant as I do, it's okay. God's using you, too. You're doing just what He wants you to.

"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.' Matthew 25:40

Do you feel as though your purpose is the bottom of the food chain? Or are you working on being the king of the jungle?


(*Top picture from field trip, no idea which kids are in the picture, but they aren't mine. ;)
bottom picture  from the millipede plague of 2010, I'm still working on learning their life's purpose, but rejoice that they have decided to fulfill it further away from my home)

A Year Ago

I feel stuck. I remember me last year at this time. I go back and check what I wrote last year, yup. I remember. All of it comes racing back to me. The doubts I've had over the past year. The worry that I've done something wrong. Remembering what it was that prompted me to start a blog in the first place. Remembering what made me wish I had never let so many people into my home and my heart. Having to come clean and admit defeat. One year has passed and yet I feel the emotions just the same as I did back then. Most of you reading this today have no idea what I'm talking about. So, I will share with you a post from one year ago. We had 2 foster girls living with us at the time that I wrote this.

I know I haven't updated in awhile.... it seems that 4 kids keep me busy, who knew?! And also, I have been waiting to update. We have had some major decisions to make and it hasn't been easy.


I know that our decisions will come with judgement from many, although we hope that you trust that this has been prayed over and looked at from every angle and that we have to put our family first.

We have decided to have the girls moved to another home. This is not a decision made lightly. Yes, it was short-lived, but we feel that to avoid more hurts, we need to do this before attachments are made. Let me explain as much as I can some of the reasons for this decision. Mostly it boils down to Steve being gone. *Let me quick take a moment to clarify for my dear husband who at certain places around town has been asked why he moved out and left his wife that we are so not separated and he hasn't left us! :) He is working out of town- out of state actually, because that is where the work is. Please stop harassing the poor guy! ;) *Okay, that's done. Because of him being away for the better part of the weeks, and the outlook on this ending looking farther and farther out all the time, we feel its best.

I am unable to be a "single parent" for 4 children. To double the number of kids we have overnight, and then be left alone, has not been good for me or my kids. Believe me, I feel like a complete and utter failure. I hate that I have to admit my weaknesses and to say " I can't." Well meaning people tell me "oh, but its so good for those girls and you can do it" but no, I can not do it. There are too many struggles with them that are hurting my children emotionally and physically and the guilt of that is overwhelming. My family needs to come first. I have not been a good mom to anyone this week. I am over stressed and over tired.

For those of you saying "well of course its hard, didn't she know it would be hard?!" to you I say, yes, I knew that. But, I have to accept my limitations. I fully believe that God has brought us to this point to show me what I can't do. I can't do this. And that is okay. It's part of the storm. And this is how the storm will go well, is for us to step away. Our kids are relieved, although of course they will still miss having them around sometimes.

The door to this process is not closed for us either. I just now have a better understanding of what we are able to do. Siblings of this age are most likely not for us. I still have a heart for fostering, and for adopting. But, through this process, I have received one thing that I never saw happening in my life before and that is contentment. For years while we struggled with infertility I was grasping for more, no matter if that was before we had any children, after one, after two, I never felt complete or content. I now feel that if this is what God has for us, I am at complete peace with having only my own 2 children, and they are enough.

This has been a growing experience for us. This has been a rough journey thus far. But one thing remains the same and that is that God is the God over all of us. His compassions for us will never fail and He will continue to walk with us and lead us through paths of righteousness, for His name's sake.

I will continue to update here, and I will let you know when the girls are placed in another home. We ask you to pray for them as they move, that they may adjust quickly and that God will lead the DHS workers to the right home for them - soon. Pray for our children as they work through their feelings about all of this. Pray for me that the guilt I have felt may subside.

I can't thank you all enough for all of you support and prayers. I ask that you continue to walk with us on our journey, no matter where that takes us. You have all been amazing sources of inspiration and love and peace for us, and words can't express how grateful we are for you.


I know I serve the same God today as I did a year ago. I know that these girls are in a good and stable adoptive home. It doesn't make me question our lives any less. I still do. I still wonder what will come of our decision to foster to adopt. I wonder often why God plants these desires in us, just to let them sit and fester and have nothing come of it. Yes, I am still practicing contentment. Yet I wonder when His plans will be shown to us. I worry about being too settled in our cozy little family- knowing we were called to stretch and grow. So, this is where I am at right now. Thanks for listening- for some of you, thanks for listening again.

Here Goes Nothing!

So, here we are! I decided to jump feet first into the world of blogging! I don't know if anyone will ever read this, and that's okay. I feel like I need a way to keep people updated on what goes on in our lives, especially with the anticipation of adoption. I will do my best to keep everyone updated on the new events. For those who don't know the whole story, Steve and I decided to last year to adopt via the foster care system. We fully believe that this is God's plan for us and that He will guide us through it. It is scary, it is interesting and it is exciting. We finished up 10 weeks worth of classes to complete our training and now we wait. I will say the classes were very interesting and I would recommend them to anyone who wants to be a better parent! It is worth the time you put into it and you make great friends in the process. Here is where we are at now: So far, on Saturday we did receive our foster license and and Adoption Notice of Decision-- I have no idea what that means exactly, but I know its good that we have them. Basically it all means that our phone could start ringing at anytime and those difficult decisions will come very soon. We still don't have our completed homestudy in the mail, but I am patiently -- or not-- waiting for that to happen. I hope you will find this helpful in our updates on this exciting journey and that you will pray for us as life takes an interesting turn in the next months or years.