I Surrender All

I realize I have taken a longer than planned hiatus from this space. I would gladly say that I am returning for good, but that's hard to do when I don't even know why I've left in the first place. So, I am here now. For now I have words churning inside me trying to find their escape. It is a frightening thing to ask the Holy Spirit in, because He really does get in there.

We stood singing in our new church home Sunday morning. Kids in Sunday School, lights dimmed as usual, graphics all around us. There was no band this morning. Only one man with a piano and one simple drum. Still we sang the songs associated with our Sunday morning worship time- contempory praise- 10,000 Reasons by Matt Redman and others. And then. Then he threw an old hymn in there. The meat and potatoes of worship he called it. I surrender all.

All to Jesus I surrender;
All to Him I freely give;
I will ever love and trust Him,
In His presence daily live. 

I love this song I thought... I miss it. I surrender it all to you, Lord.

1. • I surrender all,
     I surrender all;
     All to Thee, my blessed Savior,
     I surrender all.
   • All? Do you surrender all? He asks.
2. All to Jesus I surrender;
   Humbly at His feet I bow,
   Worldly pleasures all forsaken;
   Take me, Jesus, take me now.
3. Well yeah. All. Sure. I think... 
4. All to Jesus I surrender;
   Make me, Savior, wholly Thine;
   Let me feel the Holy Spirit,
   Truly know that Thou art mine.
5. Wait... I'm waiting for test results on my daughter. All? Even that? 
6. You said "all"
7. All to Jesus I surrender;
   Lord, I give myself to Thee;
   Fill me with Thy love and power;
   Let Thy blessing fall on me.
8. Yes, Lord. ALL.
9. All to Jesus I surrender;
   Now I feel the sacred flame.
   Oh, the joy of full salvation!
   Glory, glory, to His Name!
10. It hurts and it's scary. But yes, ALL.
11. Sometimes I sing the words, I say the words and I think I've done enough. I don't expect to be called on it. Lord, I love you, I will take up my mat and follow you....just don't test me on that, m'kay?
12. I gave it all and the peace came. I no longer fretted. The tests came back fine. But I know that even if it hadn't, His peace would have surrounded me. All I need to do is surrender. Sounds so simple. Yet I know I will struggle with it again and again. I need to give it up each and every day. 
13. Where are you on this? Do you cling on to control and worry? Are you able to surrender all, even when it terrifies you? 
14. 
    

As I wait

I sit here in the local library at a table. Alone.
The baby I have loved for the last 3.5 months is in another room. With Her. This is the first they have seen each other in those three and a half months. Not since that blustery January day has she held him in her arms.

And I weep for him. For her. And for me.

My mama heart is torn.

As a mom I can't imagine my child being taken from me. I also can't imagine doing things so horrible that my child has to be removed.

But I am a sinner. I know that my sins are no less then hers.
I know that God loves her no less then me.
I fear for the unknown. My heart pounds in my chest at the possibilities that lie ahead of us.
I reach for my Bible and seek comfort. I open my daily devotional for some encouragement. I chuckle at God's timeliness despite my groan at seeing that verse.

Some ask how we do it? How do we love that boy with so many questions and no guarantees? How can we hope for something that may cause someone else such heartbreak?
Because of what I know. What my Father tells me.
I know that God loves that round headed baby boy even more than either one of us mamas could.
And that is how I do this.

It is HIS power, because left to my own, I would be on the next bus out of here.

"though it tarries, wait for it... " Habakkuk 2:3

Linking up with Michele as I try to Use It this Monday....




*I have been using the Disqus comment system, which I enjoy, because it allows me to reply directly to your comments. However, I am having some technical issues and occassionally it goes to Blogger comments. I think if you wait for the page to fully load, the disqus comments will be available. Otherwise I lose your comments, which makes me sad. :)

Fear Not

Fear.
It gets a grip on us and sometimes just doesn't let go.  Okay, it gets a grip on me.
And I don't do well with voicing my fear. Mostly because I don't always realize that it is fear.  But these last few days and weeks I have held in an awful lot of fear.
And what disturbs me the most about my fear, is that it is stemming from a lack of trust. In God. And that hurts me to my very core to admit. I didn't realize it, or *ahem* admit it...

What clued me in? My prayers were going a little something like this... "Please God, we pray for Charlie Brown and that he knows you love him. Watch over his mom and help her to get well (after its too late). Lord, if it be your will, (Lordpleaseletthisbeyourwill)... Do what is best for Charlie Brown (which clearly is to be in our stable home) I know that you love him even more than we can and you won't let him be hurt (except for when you allow those growing moments through tragedy and I am so not wanting that, I read Covenant Child, God. That is NOT what I have in mind here....)

Not very pleasant to look at. And not very pleasant for Him to hear.

Sunday morning I expected to know the story. It was Easter after all.
Do not be afraid!
Fear not!
Do not be afraid!
Why are you scared?

Sound familiar?
Every time an angel appeared in the Bible they had to start this way. In ancient times people were afraid of what they didn't understand. Today we aren't much different.
The problem is that we seem to feed off of our fears. Scary movies, imagining worst possible scenarios, crime shows. We seem to be addicted to fear.

So when we are told to FEAR NOT, of course its hard to listen to this.
But, we are not simply told to not be afraid.

John 3:16 "For God so loved ME, that He sent his one and only son, so that I may live and have eternal life!"

If my God would do that for me, how can I not trust Him with every part of my life.

I know that God will not promise me that Charlie Brown will be here forever. I know that He won't promise that we may hurt. I know that He won't promise that CB's mom won't hurt. I don't even know if Charlie Brown will be able to have a life away from the evil that landed him here.
What I do know is that God will be with him. God will hold me, my children, my husband, and Charlie Brown. He will be the same God that sent His son over 2000 years ago.
Why should I fear?

Linking up a little late with Michelle,
 



And Jen,