Tuesday, August 23, 2011

My Grace is Enough

In the past 6 weeks or so- after dealing with Jonah- there has been a very consistent theme running through worship. No matter what church I was in- even one starting the umpteenth Jonah sermon I had heard in a few weeks time!- the theme was there. Grace. God's grace. His grace is enough for me.

You may think that as I walked this dark journey that was my summer, that that would have offered up peace to my trembling soul.

I am embarrassed to report- it did not.

I questioned God asking if His grace really truly was enough.

Rather than finding His grace I felt bombarded. Like someone has been adding weight to my chest daily.Then being pelted by enemy fire. Trying to dodge it, but feeling to pulled down to move. I felt like I was in a deep fog, unable to see the joy in what was my world. I was drowning in misery. I had no hope.

Even just this morning, I sat at home- the house empty as I brought the kids to school. I am won't lie- I was feeling a bit sorry for myself.

Then something changed as I chose to use this quiet time to catch up with the blogging friends I have missed so much.


Yes, His grace has been there all along.

In the smiling faces at the zoo:
 The crazy looks I get from my son... God love him. :)
 My children and I conquering fears of ferris wheels... or not (pretty sure she's looking off to the side to make sure we won't fall... )
 Kids feeling as though they can jump to the moon...
 Coasting over the tree tops at the Iowa State Fair. This was her greatest joy of the week.

There is grace in the everyday. Their is joy around. Yes, sometimes it feels as though the world is caving in around us and we are being trapped alive. But there is always grace, if we seek Him.

Choosing to find grace and linking up with Michele and Jen...

Friday, August 12, 2011

I know

I know I need to update this, but I really don't know what to say.

Yesterday Charlie Brown was picked up from our home and taken to live with his mother. He has never had a visit with her that I was not present for. He has never in the course of 7 months spent more than a few hours away from me. I can count on one hand the number of times that it wasn't me who put him to bed at night. He has only ever had one whole night without me, and that was within the first month of his being here.

And yes, I knew it was coming. I knew that at 1:00 that car would pull up to take him to her in a residential facility. Knowing does not actually prepare you for it happening.

Today my arms are empty. The baby monitor is turned off. The car seat removed from my car. The bottles are put away along with the diapers. There are no toys scattered all over my living room floor. No random little baby socks among the couch cushions. The contagious laughter that was his is missing. The million dollar dimples remain only in pictures.

Doors slam as kids go in and out, and I want to stop them because the baby is sleeping... then I remember.

Knowing all of this is coming does not stop the pain. It does not stop the tears that can't stop flowing. None of the Bible verses and nice sayings and thoughtful messages ease the emptiness in my heart right now.

I do know that it will eventually get better. I know that I will see him again in two weeks to take him for a medical appointment. I know that there are people far worse off than me. I know that I signed up for this. I know that because of God and His great goodness I will get through this. I know that Charlie Brown is safe. I know that she loves him and cares for him.

But for now, I grieve the empty quiet place that I am left with.