Satisfied

It is almost Easter, which means, Lent is nearing the end. And I should probably see where I am at in that.

In March I made the decision to give up shopping for myself and my house. While I have done okay in this, I bought no clothing or accessories for myself, I have noticed a few stages in giving something up.

Stage 1: Excitement and Dread- I wanted to do this so badly and was excited at what I may learn. And I was also terrified thinking I was crazy and could not do it.

Stage 2: Encouragment- Once I began the process and had accountability and encouragement, I was doing well. I was encouraged by all of you and by God to keep going.

Stage 3: Justification- I wanted to justify every single time I was at a store. "but God, I didn't say I would not buy this... or that... or but I have been looking for this for a long time... its so cheap, does it really matter?" 

Stage 4: Indifference- I really didn't always care. I shop or not. I talk to God about my feelings in it, or not. I didn't feel the need to buy myself anything, but I didn't feel the need to gain satisfaction from God.

Stage 5: Fear- My fear is not in doing this anymore, but rather in NOT doing it. Fear that maybe I didn't learn enough and will go crazy and now make up for lost time.

The result? Gratitude. I know that I needed to do this and I am grateful that I was able to do it and to talk about it. I am grateful for those who held me accountable. And above all, I am grateful to God that He is ALL I need. Without Him, I will NEVER be satisfied. I would forever wander around and search for things that leave me empty and hollow. God is the ONLY one who can fill me up to the top.

I am so grateful that He forgives me for those times I try to argue with Him and justify what I am about to do. I am grateful that He speaks in that small, still, sometimes nagging, voice that stops me from doing what I know would not benefit me.

Did I do this no shopping thing perfectly? Far from it. I still shopped for my kids and husband, maybe over the top at times. I also garage saled and bought a few things for the house.  But I have learned not to be caught up in those failures either. The most important thing is that I learned. I learned that to be satisfied I need to stop and have that time with God. Yes, sometimes the time is while I wander the aisles of Target. But I don't believe that God minds where I meet Him, as long as I am meeting Him. And listening.

I encourage you sometime as you are shopping. First ask God to be all that you need. Tell Him to give you strength to walk past things that you don't need. I promise you that your credit card bills will be less! ;)

That's my story for now...

Even though I am a day late, I am still linking up with the sisters...

As I look back on my 2nd week of Lent, I can't help but be grateful. Grateful that I have almost another month to get it right. I read the words back to myself that I wrote when I started this. And I cringe. Did I shop for myself? No, and that is a freeing thing. It isn't all bad when you walk into Target and just KNOW you have to stay out of that ENTIRE SECTION of t-shirts in every color and cute cardigans or that one last thing to get you through the long dreary winter. I am surprisingly thrilled to not be stepping into a dressing room getting depressed at trying things on that don't fit right. I am easily throwing away catalogs by the droves as they come in and deleting emails instantly that are trying to convince me that this is "The greatest sale ever!! Again" . No problem with any of those things.




Yet, I missed the point.




I have failed to turn to my God and praise Him. I was here to find contentment and joy and peace that could only be found in Him.

I have stayed away from Him. I still choose other things over my time with Him. Whether it be the computer or a book or a magazine or a TV show or shopping still... for my kids.




I have found new clutter and fed the clutter that gets in the way.




I am still looking for joy and peace and contentment and my closeness to Him.




I have learned that I am just as happy buying for my kids or gifts for someone else as I am for myself or my home, so limiting to it just being about me, really isn't limiting me that much.




I am so disappointed in me right now that I can't even tell you. I didn't want to come here with this update. I wanted the rosy picture saying how GREAT everything is going and how JOYFUL I am now that I have put my focus on Him. And I can't.




So, trying to regain focus, I am learning about the purpose of Lent. The purpose in fasting as this is my first time doing this. And one line sticks with me. Taken from The Banner March 2011 by Dr John Witvliet "Lent was the church's way of saying YES to the free offer of salvation and NO to cheap grace- baptism without discipleship" Interestingly enough- to me anyways- every single time I read that I thought the last word was discipline not discipleship. I need discipline. I don't want cheap grace that is just handed to me with no strings attached. I don't want to just say "yup, I am a Christian, I am saved. I do whatever I want"




I know that I cannot just do as I please.

I need to learn discipline.

I want to BE a Christian. I want people to SEE the difference in me, not just hear me say the words.




Next week, I pray that I have a much better report. And if you see me, feel free to call me on it.




Linking up with Jen at Finding Heaven today...

My first attempt at Lent

A little late?.. yes, I'm used to that these days.
But I have to do this or I will not stick with it.
Here is my lent post, meant to be up on Ash Wednesday, but the thought is just the same, I assure you.

This is my first year participating in lent. I don't know why I haven't done it before, oh wait, the thought of doing without anything generally got in the way. I have used the time to reflect more deeply on the life and death of Christ and read through the gospels more carefully, but as long as I didn't have to sacrifice anything I was good.

Then the other day I sat down to flip through some catalogs that had been piling up. I haven't actually opened any- most were immediately tossed- and I was in the mood to browse. Hubby was sitting next to me feeding the baby and asked what I was doing. I simply said "looking at magazines that make me want to redo everything in our house" (I do believe the answer he was looking for was "junk mail", but he asked). His response has stuck with me ever since... "maybe you could find a magazine that teaches contentment instead". Ouch. That was harsh. But necessary.

I began pondering Michelle's Shop Not challenge. Maybe it is time. Not for a whole year mind you, I'm not that crazy- not that Michelle is crazy, but YIKES!365 days is a LONG time! 42 days sounds doable. I had to set some realistic perameters or I would set up for failure.

After much thinking, praying, scripture reading, I realize that it is about so much more than shopping. It is about my self image. My self doubt. My negative self talk. I think that by buying the next cute top or perfect jeans, I will somehow magically find happiness. And then what happens? That rush fades, the doubts creep in and the shirts shrink. It doesn't do what it did for me the first week I owned it. I look around and think "She" has a much cuter top, if I had that I would feel that good too. And it doesn't work.

The only way to find real and everlasting joy is in Him. And I want that joy. That joy that seems just out of reach too often. That joy that is just waiting for me to pick it up. Right there, all the time. I just have to turn to Him.

So for the next 40 days I will buy no clothing for myself. No shoes, no socks, no jeans, no scarves, no dresses, no tops. Not even on clearance. Especially not on clearance- that's when I say "oh well it doesn't fit great, but it's cheap" Waste of money. I admit this seems enough to send me into a panic, especially seeing as how lent is always (always- I checked) followed by Easter. That means fun new springy outfits to show off as the sun shines more and we come crawling out from this wintery cave we have been in for the last 5 months. (yes, sometimes its the time to get the kids a nice new snowsuit because we are often greeted by an Easter morning snow). So, no new springy Easter morning outfit for me. My kids yes, because well... I already have the boys' stuff.
Also, home decor including baskets, bins, files, vases, pots, blankets, lamps, wall words, and more. I am always trying to find that one more thing that will make it feel "just right". And it doesn't. So I rearrange, I spend, I obsess.
I am putting 1 caveat on that- I have been dresser shopping for both Charlie Brown and Jackson, so if I find the right dresser in the right price range budgeted, I will wait at least a few days, and then decide if it is a worthy purchase. No impulse buying.

And what do I hope to gain from this experience?
Peace.
Contentment.
Joy.
Him.

A closer relationship with God because I am focusing on Him and His word, not me and my wardrobe. Not knocking His creation of me, but embracing the person He has made me to be. Taking joy in what He has done for me. Thanking Him daily for the beautiful home in which I am lucky enough to live in. Two of them in fact. I have nothing to complain about. I need to find my gratitude back and get rid of the whiney and complainy me.

Psalm 32:11 Rejoice in the Lord and be glad, you righteous, sing all who are upright in heart.

Matthew 6:29 No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money.




Linking up with the Jen and the beautiful group sisters of Soli deo Gloria...