Painful Grace

 This morning as I sat in church listening to the pastor speak about Abraham and Isaac and Abraham's trusting submission, I was struck with a very distinct memory of a very old post. I had to revisit it. And update it. When I wrote it in June of 2011, I could never have imagined where God would bring us. Here is the original: 

This post has stuck with me since reading it. Nagging me. So I read and re-read in many different translations the story of Abraham and Isaac. I have been bothered and not wanting to talk about it because I know what God is telling me. We have to lay our "Isaac" down. we need to bring this son whom we love and present him before God, and God alone. We are  being called to act out our faith, no matter how painful and bring Charlie Brown before God and trust that the Lord will provide. 

This has been killing me for weeks. To think of giving him back to a shaky situation at best has my stomach in knots. I haven't wanted to talk about it, because saying it out loud makes it too real. And there is always the hope that I am wrong, oh what a blessing it is to be wrong sometimes! 
After struggling with this inner turmoil for so long, last night I finally found my peace. 
Re-reading this passage again, I know what God is calling me to do. 

TRUST. 

Not in the "okay Lord I trust you so lets go ahead and do this my way now" kind of trust that I seem to fall into so very easily. But that un-denying "God this is your child, he is yours, I give him to you fully without any conditions because I know that you love him and I will still praise you" trust. 

The Lord will provide. He will provide a safe home for this sweet baby. My prayer is still that that will be our home, but without knowing even that, I need to say "Here he is Lord, this son whom I love. I give him fully to you." 

And, because the lack of details in Abrahams story are so frustrating to me, I will share with you this. It is with deep anguish and despair. Gut wrenching sick feelings. The tears flow and I try to cling. I move in slow motion as to not rush to the day when we are called up. I pray for this son. I pray that he is not hurt and can have his life without unnecessary pain. I yearn for it to be different, but cannot deny what my God has asked. And I know that He will provide.

I now have to mention that I wrote this over a week ago and was unable to publish it at that time. I knew I wasn't ready. This past week we have learned that these feelings were right. As sad as this makes us, we have peace that can only come from above. I know that when the day actually comes- 6 weeks or so, we will mourn, but today, we enjoy our little man and praise God for the gift of his light in our life these past 6 months.

Coming back to today. January 18, 2015. Four years and 11 days since this baby shook up our world. Four years since this precious baby clung to me as I mourned the loss of my dear grandma. Three years, 5 months, and 7 days since we obeyed God's painful call. God calling us to give our sweet baby back to an unstable situation made no sense to us. Yet we were granted peace. We were terrified. Yet we had peace. It hurt, we loved him. But God loved him more. God also loved this baby's mom. And without her son to love and fight for, she may have given up. Today, we are friends. Today, we call and text and share pictures. Charlie Brown visits us and stays with us. He knows I am also his mother, he even says foster mom without knowing what that means. He calls Jackson his brother and Maicy is his, don't argue with him. We have JOY. His mom has joy, knowing that she is in a good place and providing for her son and giving him the best of both worlds. He has 2 families who love him more than life. Only God could do that. If we had kept him for ourselves, we would have denied God the chance to bless all of our lives.
When we get out of God's way, and don't try to fix it, He does do amazing things.