Friday, August 12, 2011

I know

I know I need to update this, but I really don't know what to say.

Yesterday Charlie Brown was picked up from our home and taken to live with his mother. He has never had a visit with her that I was not present for. He has never in the course of 7 months spent more than a few hours away from me. I can count on one hand the number of times that it wasn't me who put him to bed at night. He has only ever had one whole night without me, and that was within the first month of his being here.

And yes, I knew it was coming. I knew that at 1:00 that car would pull up to take him to her in a residential facility. Knowing does not actually prepare you for it happening.

Today my arms are empty. The baby monitor is turned off. The car seat removed from my car. The bottles are put away along with the diapers. There are no toys scattered all over my living room floor. No random little baby socks among the couch cushions. The contagious laughter that was his is missing. The million dollar dimples remain only in pictures.

Doors slam as kids go in and out, and I want to stop them because the baby is sleeping... then I remember.

Knowing all of this is coming does not stop the pain. It does not stop the tears that can't stop flowing. None of the Bible verses and nice sayings and thoughtful messages ease the emptiness in my heart right now.

I do know that it will eventually get better. I know that I will see him again in two weeks to take him for a medical appointment. I know that there are people far worse off than me. I know that I signed up for this. I know that because of God and His great goodness I will get through this. I know that Charlie Brown is safe. I know that she loves him and cares for him.

But for now, I grieve the empty quiet place that I am left with.

1 comment:

Gabby said...

I wish I could hug you, and tell you that you are awesome and don't deserve this pain in person instead of as a comment. I am praying for you, and I think this post was perfect. You are so honest and willing for God to use you, and I wish the hurting would stop!