More than a Choice

I feel that some things need to be said and while the words may never be heard by the ones I have on my heart as I write them, but they need to be laid out just the same. Maybe it can help someone. Anyone.

Young people all around are hurting and my heart is heavy with their pain.

Every day we, as people, make hundreds of choices.

 Sometimes you don't realize you are even making them. Other times it seems as though you agonize for a long time over what to choose. Many times, you make choices that don't seem to affect the rest of your days, weeks, months or even years. It was just another one of many choices. No big deal.

But there are times when we see the immediate effect of that choice- good or bad. And you deal with what is left afterwards.

And sometimes you feel as though the choices you have made are going to pull you under completely.

One after another.

The effects are on going and not for the way you had hoped.

Your world seems hopeless and you don't want to face another day.

You fear you have hurt those close to you one too many times and that they don't want to deal with your problems anymore.
You fear you can't go home.
Why would they want you there anyways?

Friends have desserted you.
Mocked you.
Shamed you.

The whispers as you walk into a room.
The knowing looks from those who you pass.

You hear the names.

Failure.
Loser.
Slut.
Addict.
Worthless.


Words that cut. Words that hurt. Words that cannot define you. Words that you were never meant to carry the way you do.

You are not those words.

You are not the choices you have made.

You are not a mistake.

Failure. Chosen

Loser. Loved
Slut. Pure
Addict. Free
Worthless. Cherished

I know that to your hearts it sounds cliche, but you really are chosen, cherished, loved by God. And by so many around you. If you look, you will see more people who love you then scoffers. They are just a few.

God didn't make a mistake.
He really does love you so much that he sent his Son to take over your debts.

Yes. YOU.

It can get better. It WILL get better. This is just one moment in time.



Today, I know so many are hurting. It is my prayer that you can see that YOU are loved and cherished. And YES! YOU! are worth dying for.

And if someone you love is hurting... tell them you love them. No matter what.

Joining Michelle and Jen today....

An Almost Sleepover Experience

Last April Amy Sullivan shared information about an Almost Sleepover idea started by 2 girls from Connecticut. They had their first almost sleepover last October and loved it so much that they wanted to know if other kids would want to do it too... all around the country.

So together with 32 other states, we joined in for the night of young girls learning how they too can make a big difference!

Since October is a long ways from April and life got in the way, I downsized a lot from my original ideas. At first I was discouraged, but Amy was great to remind me that even if it's just us and our girls, we are showing them that even one matters. We are still doing something for someone else and that is what its all about.

So, we had the girls in Miss Maicy's class over for 3 hours of PJ wearing junk food eating, blanket making, crazy dancing, donation collecting fun!



The take-home treats Maicy had fun making the week ahead.





Girls with their things. We collected detergent, bottles, diapers, garbage bags, socks, underwear, cleaners, sippy cups for Mid Sioux's Teddy Bear Den.




The girls also made 3 fleece blankets to give to our local DHS workers to give to kids who often are unable to take anything from their own homes when they are removed.




Goofy girls!



7 hands makes light work. :)

Thanks to Laurie Kinney and her great girls, Delaney and Addy,  for teaching our girls that you are never too young to make a difference! See you again next year!! 

Strong Enough

Every once in awhile I cry out to God, on my knees. Begging, pleading for Him to show me answers.

And every once in awhile, He does just that.

As I drove home from a meeting with Charlie Brown's mom and yet another caseworker, I cried out to Him. The God of the universe. I needed for Him to show me HOW could I possibly make a difference in such a corrupt messed up system. How can the children stand a chance when we are in a major budget pitfall in the state? How can I make a difference as just one person when the state continues to slash social workers jobs, putting on hiring freezes while the case loads grow heavier for them every single day. How can I do anything when attorneys are being forced to cut time spent on cases because no one wants to pay them to do their job.

HOW GOD?!

Nothing in this world makes me feel as small and insignificant as the government at work. I will be the first to admit, I do not follow politics. I do not write my governors, senators, representatives or even town council. So what can I possibly do? I feel helpless God.

No sooner had I gotten the words out of my mouth, with tears streaming down my face as I drive home, then the song "Strong Enough to Save" by Tenth Avenue North came on.
"Strong Enough To Save"
You fought
but you were just too weak
so you lost
all the things you try to keep
now you're on your knees, you're on your knees


But wait,
everything can change,
in a moments time you don't have to be afraid,
cause fear is just a lie
open up your eyes

And he'll break
open the skies to save
those who cry out his name
the One the wind and waves obey
is strong enough to save you
Look
now is not too late
lift up your head
let the rain fall on your face
you're not far from grace, your not too far from grace
And he'll break
open the skies to save
those who cry out his name
the One the wind and waves obey
is strong enough to save you

I know the weight of this world can take you down like gravity and I know the current of yourself can take you out, out to sea but hold on, hold on

I have fought, and yes, I am too weak. But God.
God is strong enough to save.
Even the wind and waves obey Him.
His will be done.

Building Character

Two toddlers run around. One carefully checking out where the next move should be.
The other running carefree. They collide. The careful one is instantly in tears thinking his life is over from that horrible "crash". The other oblivious and keeps on playing. Crashes are just a part of her day after all.

This is the image that goes through my head as the pastor talks about suffering building character. Resiliance.
Paul talks in Romans about rejoicing in our suffering.

I don't think either child rejoiced about getting hurt, but one didn't let it stop her. It's happened before and she knows she'll be okay. Perhaps she turned to her mom to look for reassurance, and when she received a smile, she knew. All is well.

The hurt child doesn't know this feeling and doesn't like it. I am sure he too ran to his parent. Crying out for her to make it all better all the while wondering how on earth she could let this happen to him! Why would his mom let him get hurt?

Was the mom a bad mom? Was she mean?

No, but she knew he would be okay. She maybe did allow it to happen, but she knew he would watch out next time. Or maybe he would learn to not be so scared, to know that bumps and bruises will happen, but they won't be the end of us.

Is God a mean God because He allows us to get hurt?
Or does He simply wait for us to learn from our hurts. To look to Him to know that it's going to be okay and it will not be the end of us. It may feel like it will be, but it won't.

Because we have hope.

A hope in Christ that no one can take away.
A hope that comes from us being so low we need to look up and ahead.

Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;  perseverance, character; and character, hope. Romans 5:3-4

How is God instilling HOPE in you today?

Linking up Michelle De Rusha for Hear it, Use it. A great communitiy of faith writers- you really should check it out! :)

Do Something

This week I have had the choices to make.
Choice 1- feel sorry for myself - miserable, but does allow for extra chocolate consumption which I usually see as a perk
or
Choice 2- Do Something- listening to the people God put in my way- sometimes quite literally IN. MY. WAY.- and find that passion back that drove me to this journey of foster-adoption.

Since God has put people so literally IN MY WAY of feeling sorry for myself, I chose option 2. But don't worry, I still found reason to eat chocolate.

On Tuesday I had the pleasure of listening to one of the most amazing women I have met, share her story. Margot was here in Iowa speaking about Compassion Int'l at a college chapel.  I was there volunteering to help at the Compassion booth. I really had no idea what to expect. After all, I only became a child sponsor last fall..Margot Starbuck is a woman who radiates so much joy and enthusiasm for life that you can't imagine she's ever had a bad day in her entire life. But the truth is, she has had many bad days and really if anyone could have justifiably made the choice to feel sorry for herself, it is Margot. Instead, she takes all she has been dealt and makes it her passion to tell others how much God loves them. Each.  One. YOU. Compassion has allowed her to tell many children how much God loves them and that He really is for them . Not only through her sponsored children, but the audiences she speaks to and to anyone she meets on the street. And in the short time I got to know her, I am pretty sure that she really will stop you on the street just to make sure you know that true joy!

Hearing her passion for Compassion, got me to thinking about why I became a sponsor. And remembering that, also helped to refuel my energy to help children and stop feeling sorry for me.


Last year around October I believe, fellow blogger and friend, Duane Scott participated in Compassion Thursdays- highlighting a child in need of a sponsor. Honestly, I was going to breeze past it. I have heard of Compassion and thought about it, but I figured, hey, I am a foster parent for crying out loud, I am trying to do my part to help kids. I figured this was for other people and I left it alone.  But God didn't leave it alone.

So, why won't you sponsor a child?
      Well, God, you laid it on my heart to help the children. So I signed up to be a foster adoptive parent. So far, that isn't exactly going well.

So, you'll only help the children who can come to you?
    Well, uh, no... but if this is all you wanted me to do, why would I go through this whole other process?? It makes no sense why you lay one thing on my heart and now tell me to do another!

Is adoption only about the child's need?
    Well, no. I guess it is also about me filling my desire to have more children...

So, you don't want to do this because you won't get anything in return?
      When you put it that way... it does sound like that.

Trust. Me.

And so I did. I knew that God was telling me to step outside my wants and my desires and reminding me that when I say I am here for His children, that I need to be there no matter what.Whether I gain from it or never see any personal change,  I had to DO SOMETHING. And I did see change. After I trusted God. After I obeyed Him and acted on His call to help His children, not only was I blessed to have Charlie Brown come into our lives, we were also blessed by an adorable boy named Riski in Indonesia. Blessed by the fact that he and his parents pray for all of my family and loves my children as though they are indeed siblings. Blessed by knowing how little I do for him makes such a huge impact in his daily life. Blessed in being able to share with this child that God is For Him. Blessed in him telling us the same thing.

But it isn't enough. I need to do something! There is work to be done. There is much need for orphans and poor. Whether here in the U.S. or overseas in a poverty stricken country. We are Christians and we are called to DO. Not just a little. Not our extra. But to give of ourselves- give until it hurts. Not just financially, but give up ourselves.

The other person I listened to this week was via a link that was sent from our foster support group leader. This video is taken from the Adopting for Life Conference back in 2010. David Platt is a pastor, author, and adoptive parent. The video is almost an hour long, but I promise you, it is worth your time. http://comission.org/resources/?id=1469  I couldn't find the code to put the video on here, so you will need to follow the link. If you have ever considered fostering, adoption, child sponsorship, you need to watch this. And if you have never considered any of those things, you need to watch this. He spoke to so many of my emotions in such a powerful way. He really got me in the beginning when he said how we sometimes wish God would just take those longings away that He put there. If nothing is going to happen anyways, why do you want us to feel this way, God? I don't know how many times I have been on my knees saying those exact same words to God.

God is sovereign. There are no coincidences. He has it all planned out. Will you listen to His call, even when it hurts?

My Grace is Enough

In the past 6 weeks or so- after dealing with Jonah- there has been a very consistent theme running through worship. No matter what church I was in- even one starting the umpteenth Jonah sermon I had heard in a few weeks time!- the theme was there. Grace. God's grace. His grace is enough for me.

You may think that as I walked this dark journey that was my summer, that that would have offered up peace to my trembling soul.

I am embarrassed to report- it did not.

I questioned God asking if His grace really truly was enough.

Rather than finding His grace I felt bombarded. Like someone has been adding weight to my chest daily.Then being pelted by enemy fire. Trying to dodge it, but feeling to pulled down to move. I felt like I was in a deep fog, unable to see the joy in what was my world. I was drowning in misery. I had no hope.

Even just this morning, I sat at home- the house empty as I brought the kids to school. I am won't lie- I was feeling a bit sorry for myself.

Then something changed as I chose to use this quiet time to catch up with the blogging friends I have missed so much.

Grace.

Yes, His grace has been there all along.

In the smiling faces at the zoo:

 The crazy looks I get from my son... God love him. :)

 My children and I conquering fears of ferris wheels... or not (pretty sure she's looking off to the side to make sure we won't fall... )

 Kids feeling as though they can jump to the moon...

 Coasting over the tree tops at the Iowa State Fair. This was her greatest joy of the week.

There is grace in the everyday. Their is joy around. Yes, sometimes it feels as though the world is caving in around us and we are being trapped alive. But there is always grace, if we seek Him.

Choosing to find grace and linking up with Michele and Jen...

I know

I know I need to update this, but I really don't know what to say.

Yesterday Charlie Brown was picked up from our home and taken to live with his mother. He has never had a visit with her that I was not present for. He has never in the course of 7 months spent more than a few hours away from me. I can count on one hand the number of times that it wasn't me who put him to bed at night. He has only ever had one whole night without me, and that was within the first month of his being here.

And yes, I knew it was coming. I knew that at 1:00 that car would pull up to take him to her in a residential facility. Knowing does not actually prepare you for it happening.

Today my arms are empty. The baby monitor is turned off. The car seat removed from my car. The bottles are put away along with the diapers. There are no toys scattered all over my living room floor. No random little baby socks among the couch cushions. The contagious laughter that was his is missing. The million dollar dimples remain only in pictures.

Doors slam as kids go in and out, and I want to stop them because the baby is sleeping... then I remember.

Knowing all of this is coming does not stop the pain. It does not stop the tears that can't stop flowing. None of the Bible verses and nice sayings and thoughtful messages ease the emptiness in my heart right now.

I do know that it will eventually get better. I know that I will see him again in two weeks to take him for a medical appointment. I know that there are people far worse off than me. I know that I signed up for this. I know that because of God and His great goodness I will get through this. I know that Charlie Brown is safe. I know that she loves him and cares for him.

But for now, I grieve the empty quiet place that I am left with.