A New HOPE

Sunrise over Maui

 As the month of May rushes past us, even though its only just begun, I feel the tug of two directions.
YAY! The school year is almost over! No more running around and crazy schedules and fighting over math papers and rushing to lessons and practices and.... phew.
BUT, as this year rushes to an end, the kids and I are beginning our goodbyes. I want to pull on the ropes and draw everything to a halt so I can have more time. I'm not ready! I can't have all of these "lasts" piled on top of each other so fast. I can't plan all the good-byes I wanted to at this speed of light pace. I want to drop an anchor and just be. still.

It's safe here. I know what's around the corner. I know who I will see at the grocery store and know the checkers by name... and they know mine. I know who's working at my favorite restaurants and what to order. I know when I will see my friends in school pick up lines and where to sit in church. I know where my kids will be riding bike and who they are with. I know their friends' families- I grew up with most of those parents.  I feel secure.

My anchor is in the water. My hope is in Christ. No matter which direction I feel pulled in, the anchor holds firm. He promises to not let me fall overboard.

I realized this as I had my first "goodbye" this month. My HOPE ladies. Fitting, no?  A group of moms who walked, dove, ran, and yes, were dragged, into the life of foster/adoptive parents. These ladies have acted as support and anchors for me as I trudged through last year. As the winds howled and tornadoes popped up, we embraced new hellos and attempted goodbyes. We laughed as we said this wouldn't be goodbye- the Lord would take us then and we will have all of eternity to laugh until we cry and cry until we laugh. To hold each other up in prayer and love and grace. Because we are all anchored together in the love of Christ.


We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. Hebrews 6:19a

Linking up with Jen, and the Soli Sisters

Travelogue

"Where have you been?!" seems to be a question I get a lot lately. Especially in regards to my li'l  ol' blog over her. Seems some people just need their dose of wry humor in the form of poorly formed sentences with the occasional tear jerker and not to mention miserably flopped recipe. And because I am a people pleaser, I am here to offer just that. Hold your applause until the end. 

So, where have I been? Travel along with me over the last 6 months, will you? It's been quite the journey. Keep your seat belts fastened at all times and the flight attendant will be around soon with your snacks. Or not. 

First we travel to the sandy beaches of Maui. We know you may all be a little puffy from that water retention of a 10 hour flight, but lets go snorkeling anyways. 

Some of the local exotic beauties of the Islands... 

 On this tropical tour we will spend 8 hours- count them EIGHT hours- in a slowly rocking boat not catching one single fish. Contrary to the claim, it was NOT his Lucky Fishing shirt. Unless it's lucky I didn't fall in while hanging over the side. Then yes, I was very lucky. Although by hour 4, the thought did occur to just fall overboard so they would end the tour early.

Some may wonder how one can look so crabby and one so pale while in Hawaii...
But he's holding me up, as is that pole, and I am trying to not hang over the side for the last 20 minutes 

 After a week of water, we decided it was time to go to a less wet and wavy climate. So, off to Egypt where we took in the magnificent pyramids and of course, the local beauties. And they are beauties. But that's just my opinion.

Yes, I always though the pyramids would be larger in real life as well. 

In need of some good old USA again we decided to visit some Presidents. Here is a snapshot of our visit with Ulysses S. Grant. He's shorter than I imagined, but quite a jolly fellow. 

 And then it was time to travel again! Ready? Fasten those seatbelts tight, we are heading to Mars!

Please, do not speak or come to close to the locals... they bite. 

Somewhere between Mars and Iowa, we land in WhoVille! Oh Thing 1 and Thing 2, what did you do? What did you do?!

 Here you will also find the LORAX. Yes, you may think you saw that back at home, but this is the REAL filming of the real deal!

 And then we land. Safely back at home. But wait. It's not mine anymore. So, we say good-bye.

Probably the toughest journey I have had, and am still about to take, is saying goodbye to my home. The home we designed and built ourselves. The home that my kids spent most of their years in. The home that hosted Christmases and Thanksgivings and Easters and birthday parties galore. The home where I dropped to my knees and cried out to my God that I needed Him and Him alone as there was just too much that I couldn't take on my own. The place where tears were shed and laughter was heard often.
We sold it in December. Moved to a rental- aka the Waiting Room- in January. In June, we move across the river to Nebraska. It's been 6 months of good byes. Be sure to follow me as we move on to the Hello's.

So it's been a journey as you can see! It's been scary and fun and it's only just the beginning!

My Friend

I know, I know. I have been a wee bit absent around here lately. I could come up with many excuses for you, none of which are good. So, lets just pretend I didn't take an extended sabitical for the last few months and accept that I am here today. Thank goodness for grace.

So, I have an unlikely friend. No body really understands the hows and whys- on both ends. In her world foster parents are the enemy. In her reality, we are support. In my world bio moms are the enemy. In my reality, she is my lifeline.

If you had asked me a year ago if I would ever be friends with her, I probably would have laughed. Synically.
My life was good.
I was happy.
My kids were happy.
Then we were all broken.

I blamed her.
Why would I want to be her friend?

Little by little, my anger subsided.
My heart healed.
My family healed.
We were going to be okay.

Charlie Brown was okay too.
He is happy.
She is happy.
We talk on the phone. We text. We laugh.
I help her when she needs it. Offering a listening ear, parenting advice. Just being there. Being an "auntie" to the little man who ran away with our hearts.

She helps me. She shares him with me. I know that's not easy to do. But she does it. She lets me love on him. She calls me and asks for help when she needs it. Instead of shutting me out.

We help each other. Why? Because we both love that bald little wild man and we both want him to have the best life possible.
Why are we friends? Because we are both undeserving of Grace, and yet we have both been given it.
Did I plan this? No. But God has shown me what I need to do and given me the grace and peace to follow Him. And I am grateful that He sees things we don't.
For now I have a good friend. One who I trust and love and who I want to see succeed.

 "A man's heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps"

Proverbs 16:9

Linking up with Michelle and Jen.... head over there for more great reads...

Birthday Boy... er young man.

Today is a special day.
It's my baby's birthday.

Okay, he isn't my baby. He is my firstborn. My preemie. My fighter. My stubborn one. My sensitive boy. My giver. My funny one. (okay, they're both hilarious). My sarcastic child- I wonder where he gets it?

He spent the first 2 months of his life in a plexi-glass box. Helping to grow those tiny lungs. He's always been a bit impatient- felt the need to come into this world 11 weeks early.

Now. He is ELEVEN. How did that happen?

First time holding.. I would find a picture of the isolette, but we have just moved and I can't find my shoes, much less a picture.

He still spends his days confined to a plexi-glass box. In an ice arena. We wouldn't have it any other way.

 No one could have told me when I had that tiny 3pounder in my arms that some day I would be watching him skate on the ice week after week after week taking down big kids and little kids in his way. I am not sure I would have dared dream it possible. I was told by some "caring stranger" shortly after we were home from the hospital that he would always be weak.

Thank you for your unsolicited advice, but,  I beg to differ. My God is bigger than that.

.

 Happy Birthday, Jackson! You make us so very proud to be your parents! You are a walking, talking, skating miracle. Non-stop talking miracle.

No really, I'm talking, could you just shush for a minute?! Please!? Oh fine, carry on.

Love you, Chuck.

The End

This is a repost. Today marks one year since my Grandma passed away. Some days I still think that I am going to give her a quick call or stop in for some of her famous St Nick cookies. And then I remember that she's already Home. I miss her here on earth terribly, yet I rejoice in the life that I can't even begine to imagine that she has lived in Heaven this past year. Love you, Grandma Pearl!

You know when you are reading a really good book... and you near the end of it with just a few pages left... and you don't want to finish it? You don't want the book to end despite knowing its going to be great. You just don't want to be not reading that book so you try to draw it out longer?

Maybe that's just me.

This week my Grandma's story was completed.

I knew it was coming and I knew it had to end, but there is still that overwhelming feeling of sadness that it is actually over.
It was a great story, my Grandma's. I've written bits of her story many times in my life. The whole thing is just too much for one book. It's not a story of great riches or thrilling adventures in far away places. It's not a story that boasts of one's life. That's not what made her story great.

Her story was great because it was written by God and it was for God. And she knew it.

There was poverty, death, deceit, and hurt. But there was always HOPE. My Grandma's hope was in the Lord and no matter what was thrown her way, she was steadfast in that faith. If she was going to tell you a story that was about hurts and hardships, it was to prove that God was there with her. When her family didn't know where their next meal would come from, God provided. When her husband passed away unexpectedly on their 25 wedding anniversary, God was there. And that is what she wanted to make sure you knew by the time the story was over. God. Was. There. Always.

Hers is also a story of JOY. She would do just about anything for anyone. She made everyone feel as though they were her favorite. She had a cheerful heart, welcoming people into her home. Sharing baked goodies. Sharing a good story. She loved to help out, that gave her and those around her great joy.

Maicy and Grandma Pearl, Thanksgiving 2009




Jackson and Grandma Pearl, Thanksgiving 2009

 God made her story great. Her story was written for God.
And as I write, I know the truth.
This earthly story is just a prologue. Her real story is just beginning.

I love you Grandma. You will be greatly missed, but the stories which you have woven into my heart and the memories will be with me.

Isaiah 40:31 but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.


Linking up with Michelle De Rusha at Graceful and  Jen and the beautiful gals of Soli De Gloria

Oh...what's that you say? I write?!

It seems as though have completely forgotten that I have a blog! Okay, I haven't forgotten exactly, I have just been... well.... avoiding it. Not for any particular reason. Mostly lots of little reasons that make up a good enough excuse for me to stay away from pretty much all blogs in general. However, I miss it. I miss my friends that I only know because of this blog and theirs. So, I am getting my feet wet once again and going to hopefully be around more often.

I will start off the year (I do not care that it is already January 9! The year is just beginning!)  Anyways, I can't begin at this time and not look back at 2011. I started off by writing about my ONE WORD for the year. I chose STORY for my year.Feel free to re-fresh your memory...I'll wait. I had no clue what God had in store for my story in this year. I just knew that without a doubt, this was the word He wanted me to keep in my head.  And then... just 2 days later I found out what His purpose was in that one word. Enter in: Charlie Brown. Go ahead and refresh your memory on that one. I just did and oh. My. It all came back to me like a tidal wave. I had no idea writing out those words declaring my absolute trust in God to protect and guard our hearts, just how much my faith would be tested. Of course, as I wrote those, I think I felt pretty confident that it would go MY way. Oh. What a difference a year can make.

I shared in June that Charlie Brown would be returning to his mother in August. I don't know if I ever mentioned that we would know more in November after the review. This update is looonggg overdue as it is no longer November. And yes, that IS in fact the last time I posted. And if you want to get all Freud on me and discuss whether or not our November court date had anything to do with me not posting since that time, well, you just do what you need to. I told myself over and over and over that I knew it was coming and therefore no. big. deal. So. Anyways. After feeling like my life was on hold for 6 months and that I was holding my breath waiting for what I was told would be a permanency hearing, it was clear that Charlie Brown would stay with his mother. Court was just a review to see how she was doing. I wasn't shaken or shocked. Nothing changed.

Except that I could breathe. Sometimes just knowing makes the hard road easier.

He continued to be faithful. He continued to protect my heart. He protected my children. He held us close.
He not only held us, but he opened our eyes prior to the court hearing. He showed me so that I wouldn't be caught off guard. Because He is good and faithful, I can share my story. And it is a good story. How could it not be? God is a good author.

Blessed assurance, Jesus is mine!

Oh, what a foretaste of glory divine!
Heir of salvation, purchase of God,
Born of His Spirit, washed in His blood.


This is my story, this is my song,
Praising my Savior all the day long;
This is my story, this is my song,
Praising my Savior all the day long

Still Praising my Savior.... for it is HIS story...



Linking up with Michelle and Jen once again...

More than a Choice

I feel that some things need to be said and while the words may never be heard by the ones I have on my heart as I write them, but they need to be laid out just the same. Maybe it can help someone. Anyone.

Young people all around are hurting and my heart is heavy with their pain.

Every day we, as people, make hundreds of choices.

 Sometimes you don't realize you are even making them. Other times it seems as though you agonize for a long time over what to choose. Many times, you make choices that don't seem to affect the rest of your days, weeks, months or even years. It was just another one of many choices. No big deal.

But there are times when we see the immediate effect of that choice- good or bad. And you deal with what is left afterwards.

And sometimes you feel as though the choices you have made are going to pull you under completely.

One after another.

The effects are on going and not for the way you had hoped.

Your world seems hopeless and you don't want to face another day.

You fear you have hurt those close to you one too many times and that they don't want to deal with your problems anymore.
You fear you can't go home.
Why would they want you there anyways?

Friends have desserted you.
Mocked you.
Shamed you.

The whispers as you walk into a room.
The knowing looks from those who you pass.

You hear the names.

Failure.
Loser.
Slut.
Addict.
Worthless.


Words that cut. Words that hurt. Words that cannot define you. Words that you were never meant to carry the way you do.

You are not those words.

You are not the choices you have made.

You are not a mistake.

Failure. Chosen

Loser. Loved
Slut. Pure
Addict. Free
Worthless. Cherished

I know that to your hearts it sounds cliche, but you really are chosen, cherished, loved by God. And by so many around you. If you look, you will see more people who love you then scoffers. They are just a few.

God didn't make a mistake.
He really does love you so much that he sent his Son to take over your debts.

Yes. YOU.

It can get better. It WILL get better. This is just one moment in time.



Today, I know so many are hurting. It is my prayer that you can see that YOU are loved and cherished. And YES! YOU! are worth dying for.

And if someone you love is hurting... tell them you love them. No matter what.

Joining Michelle and Jen today....