And it's finally happened...

...I am officially an embarrassment to my son and need to fade into the background like wallpaper.

I sat in my car, dropping this boy who shares my DNA, the boy who kept me hospitalized for a week hanging upside down before he came into this world. This boy who I did all I could to make sure he was well taken care of for 8 weeks in the NICU, this boy who made me relocate for those 2 months, this boy who I have given life to, yeah that one. Anyways, I dropped him off at yet another activity which I had 2 hours notice that it was actually something different then I thought and well, I need BAIT mom. Fishing BAIT. WHA????? Where in tarnation am I supposed to find that now?! I simply asked him to check with the grown ups if it was all good that his mom was a big airhead and didn't know they were doing this and the fact that he is there on time not knowing that he had to be an hour earlier until I learned he needed bait is really impressive enough on its own... and as I waited for him to go and report back to me... he... he... SNUBBED me! He ended up finding his friends and I gave him the hands up like "Well...?" and he waved me off. Not like a 'bye mom! the one who put her life on hold for me, the one who does my laundry and cooks my food and cleans my room and spends her winters inside hockey arenas and driving all over on icy roads so I can spend an hour on the ice'... No. It was a "shoo fly, don't bother me" kind of brush off.  OUCH.



WHY does she keep speaking??


I knew the day would come. And it isn't cool.
But, I do have a secret to getting through this unfortunate phase.

Because I know that on Sunday, after all the eggs had been found, the clay pigeons shot (what? you don't all shoot on Easter Sunday???) and all the family gone... my baby boy laid on the couch next to me and laid his head on my shoulder and napped.

Yeah, the little butthead is still my sweet little man... just don't tell his friends. :)

Fear Not

Fear.
It gets a grip on us and sometimes just doesn't let go.  Okay, it gets a grip on me.
And I don't do well with voicing my fear. Mostly because I don't always realize that it is fear.  But these last few days and weeks I have held in an awful lot of fear.
And what disturbs me the most about my fear, is that it is stemming from a lack of trust. In God. And that hurts me to my very core to admit. I didn't realize it, or *ahem* admit it...

What clued me in? My prayers were going a little something like this... "Please God, we pray for Charlie Brown and that he knows you love him. Watch over his mom and help her to get well (after its too late). Lord, if it be your will, (Lordpleaseletthisbeyourwill)... Do what is best for Charlie Brown (which clearly is to be in our stable home) I know that you love him even more than we can and you won't let him be hurt (except for when you allow those growing moments through tragedy and I am so not wanting that, I read Covenant Child, God. That is NOT what I have in mind here....)

Not very pleasant to look at. And not very pleasant for Him to hear.

Sunday morning I expected to know the story. It was Easter after all.
Do not be afraid!
Fear not!
Do not be afraid!
Why are you scared?

Sound familiar?
Every time an angel appeared in the Bible they had to start this way. In ancient times people were afraid of what they didn't understand. Today we aren't much different.
The problem is that we seem to feed off of our fears. Scary movies, imagining worst possible scenarios, crime shows. We seem to be addicted to fear.

So when we are told to FEAR NOT, of course its hard to listen to this.
But, we are not simply told to not be afraid.

John 3:16 "For God so loved ME, that He sent his one and only son, so that I may live and have eternal life!"

If my God would do that for me, how can I not trust Him with every part of my life.

I know that God will not promise me that Charlie Brown will be here forever. I know that He won't promise that we may hurt. I know that He won't promise that CB's mom won't hurt. I don't even know if Charlie Brown will be able to have a life away from the evil that landed him here.
What I do know is that God will be with him. God will hold me, my children, my husband, and Charlie Brown. He will be the same God that sent His son over 2000 years ago.
Why should I fear?

Linking up a little late with Michelle,
 



And Jen,

Satisfied

It is almost Easter, which means, Lent is nearing the end. And I should probably see where I am at in that.

In March I made the decision to give up shopping for myself and my house. While I have done okay in this, I bought no clothing or accessories for myself, I have noticed a few stages in giving something up.

Stage 1: Excitement and Dread- I wanted to do this so badly and was excited at what I may learn. And I was also terrified thinking I was crazy and could not do it.

Stage 2: Encouragment- Once I began the process and had accountability and encouragement, I was doing well. I was encouraged by all of you and by God to keep going.

Stage 3: Justification- I wanted to justify every single time I was at a store. "but God, I didn't say I would not buy this... or that... or but I have been looking for this for a long time... its so cheap, does it really matter?" 

Stage 4: Indifference- I really didn't always care. I shop or not. I talk to God about my feelings in it, or not. I didn't feel the need to buy myself anything, but I didn't feel the need to gain satisfaction from God.

Stage 5: Fear- My fear is not in doing this anymore, but rather in NOT doing it. Fear that maybe I didn't learn enough and will go crazy and now make up for lost time.

The result? Gratitude. I know that I needed to do this and I am grateful that I was able to do it and to talk about it. I am grateful for those who held me accountable. And above all, I am grateful to God that He is ALL I need. Without Him, I will NEVER be satisfied. I would forever wander around and search for things that leave me empty and hollow. God is the ONLY one who can fill me up to the top.

I am so grateful that He forgives me for those times I try to argue with Him and justify what I am about to do. I am grateful that He speaks in that small, still, sometimes nagging, voice that stops me from doing what I know would not benefit me.

Did I do this no shopping thing perfectly? Far from it. I still shopped for my kids and husband, maybe over the top at times. I also garage saled and bought a few things for the house.  But I have learned not to be caught up in those failures either. The most important thing is that I learned. I learned that to be satisfied I need to stop and have that time with God. Yes, sometimes the time is while I wander the aisles of Target. But I don't believe that God minds where I meet Him, as long as I am meeting Him. And listening.

I encourage you sometime as you are shopping. First ask God to be all that you need. Tell Him to give you strength to walk past things that you don't need. I promise you that your credit card bills will be less! ;)

That's my story for now...

Even though I am a day late, I am still linking up with the sisters...

It happens Every. Single. Year.

Despite the promise I made her make when she was a baby...

My baby girl is another year older. *sigh*

Gone are the day of pigtails and wobbly legs and replaced now with dances of grace and "no Mom, we are NOT putting my hair in THAT"

Miss Maicy Jo. 8 years ago you came into this world and all was well. You were a beautiful baby girl with a great dispostition and I thought I had it made. I felt God smiling on us.
And then you turned 1.
And I heard God laughing.

You were crazy about....

Dogs...

 Dirt...

 and Food...

 Yes, still food.

 And you tried to combine your love of dirt and food often...

Baby Girl, You made us laugh until we cried and cry until we laughed. Not much has changed.

You still love dogs and still ask every single year for your birthday for a dog.

 And try to give your dad one for HIS birthday because how could he after all refuse anything from his precious baby girl.

You still make us laugh...

You still have a knack for dirt...

And a need for speed.

And I pray you will always love as strongly as you do now...

Hold on tight, Baby Girl, this is just the beginning...

God is SO GOOD!

I was going to update on my Lent journey today, (I don't really want to discuss that not shopping thing anyways.) but I just can't let this opportunity to show just how awesome our God is go by.

This weekend our little neck of the woods was in for some serious weather. We tucked our kids into the basement for the night and watched the news unfold. It was chaotic in the newsrooms and hard to follow at times. Tornadoes kept popping up all around. Thankfully for us, they were no closer than 45 miles or more.
That didn't ease our worries for those towns that we were hearing about.

Mapleton, IA was hit with a tornado. Schelswig, Earley, Storm Lake, Cherokee... all being hit with either tornadoes or baseball sized hail.

Despite all of the building destruction, the homes lost, the trees uprooted... no one was killed. No one has serious injuries. The worst they have reported is a broken leg.
Honestly, hearing that the other night, all I could do is shout at my TV "GOD IS SO GOOD!"

The storms went good. My daugther prayed that 2 years ago and I still think of it everytime we tuck them into the basement on stormy nights. God weathers the storm with us. And the storms go good.







If you wouldn't mind, would you stop and say a prayer for those in Iowa who are without a home and now picking up the pieces?

Fired Up

I sat in my brother and sister in laws church and watched the young girls and their counselors worship.

I read the banner hanging up on the side "Fired Up".

I looked again at the faces up front.

There was not too much fire or passion burning. In fact, most of them, including the mentors looked as though they would rather be anywhere other then up there. Worshipping.

I looked at myself and felt the irony as well.

I can say the words, I can be where I need to be, but am I fired up?

Do I want to be in the front worshipping? Putting worship and quality time with Him first?

Sadly, no. My Bible study lessons get shoved to the end of the long to do lists. My prayers are short and hurried.

I feel that instead of one great big fire for Him, I have a whole bunch of lighters running out of fluid because I am fueling them with anything but the Word.

I need to stop dousing the flame in lighter fluid for a quick rush and work on stacking the wood just right and adding the right amount consistently to keep the fire burning steady and hot. I need to not let the embers turn to cold ashes.

How about you? Do you let your ashes burn out? How do you keep the fire for Him burning steady.

Linking up with Michelle at Graceful once again... please join me over there!