I feel stuck. I remember me last year at this time. I go back and check what I wrote last year, yup. I remember. All of it comes racing back to me. The doubts I've had over the past year. The worry that I've done something wrong. Remembering what it was that prompted me to start a blog in the first place. Remembering what made me wish I had never let so many people into my home and my heart. Having to come clean and admit defeat. One year has passed and yet I feel the emotions just the same as I did back then. Most of you reading this today have no idea what I'm talking about. So, I will share with you a post from one year ago. We had 2 foster girls living with us at the time that I wrote this.
I know I haven't updated in awhile.... it seems that 4 kids keep me busy, who knew?! And also, I have been waiting to update. We have had some major decisions to make and it hasn't been easy.
I know that our decisions will come with judgement from many, although we hope that you trust that this has been prayed over and looked at from every angle and that we have to put our family first.
We have decided to have the girls moved to another home. This is not a decision made lightly. Yes, it was short-lived, but we feel that to avoid more hurts, we need to do this before attachments are made. Let me explain as much as I can some of the reasons for this decision. Mostly it boils down to Steve being gone. *Let me quick take a moment to clarify for my dear husband who at certain places around town has been asked why he moved out and left his wife that we are so not separated and he hasn't left us! :) He is working out of town- out of state actually, because that is where the work is. Please stop harassing the poor guy! ;) *Okay, that's done. Because of him being away for the better part of the weeks, and the outlook on this ending looking farther and farther out all the time, we feel its best.
I am unable to be a "single parent" for 4 children. To double the number of kids we have overnight, and then be left alone, has not been good for me or my kids. Believe me, I feel like a complete and utter failure. I hate that I have to admit my weaknesses and to say " I can't." Well meaning people tell me "oh, but its so good for those girls and you can do it" but no, I can not do it. There are too many struggles with them that are hurting my children emotionally and physically and the guilt of that is overwhelming. My family needs to come first. I have not been a good mom to anyone this week. I am over stressed and over tired.
For those of you saying "well of course its hard, didn't she know it would be hard?!" to you I say, yes, I knew that. But, I have to accept my limitations. I fully believe that God has brought us to this point to show me what I can't do. I can't do this. And that is okay. It's part of the storm. And this is how the storm will go well, is for us to step away. Our kids are relieved, although of course they will still miss having them around sometimes.
The door to this process is not closed for us either. I just now have a better understanding of what we are able to do. Siblings of this age are most likely not for us. I still have a heart for fostering, and for adopting. But, through this process, I have received one thing that I never saw happening in my life before and that is contentment. For years while we struggled with infertility I was grasping for more, no matter if that was before we had any children, after one, after two, I never felt complete or content. I now feel that if this is what God has for us, I am at complete peace with having only my own 2 children, and they are enough.
This has been a growing experience for us. This has been a rough journey thus far. But one thing remains the same and that is that God is the God over all of us. His compassions for us will never fail and He will continue to walk with us and lead us through paths of righteousness, for His name's sake.
I will continue to update here, and I will let you know when the girls are placed in another home. We ask you to pray for them as they move, that they may adjust quickly and that God will lead the DHS workers to the right home for them - soon. Pray for our children as they work through their feelings about all of this. Pray for me that the guilt I have felt may subside.
I can't thank you all enough for all of you support and prayers. I ask that you continue to walk with us on our journey, no matter where that takes us. You have all been amazing sources of inspiration and love and peace for us, and words can't express how grateful we are for you.
I know I serve the same God today as I did a year ago. I know that these girls are in a good and stable adoptive home. It doesn't make me question our lives any less. I still do. I still wonder what will come of our decision to foster to adopt. I wonder often why God plants these desires in us, just to let them sit and fester and have nothing come of it. Yes, I am still practicing contentment. Yet I wonder when His plans will be shown to us. I worry about being too settled in our cozy little family- knowing we were called to stretch and grow. So, this is where I am at right now. Thanks for listening- for some of you, thanks for listening again.