Thursday, August 5, 2010

A Year Ago

I feel stuck. I remember me last year at this time. I go back and check what I wrote last year, yup. I remember. All of it comes racing back to me. The doubts I've had over the past year. The worry that I've done something wrong. Remembering what it was that prompted me to start a blog in the first place. Remembering what made me wish I had never let so many people into my home and my heart. Having to come clean and admit defeat. One year has passed and yet I feel the emotions just the same as I did back then. Most of you reading this today have no idea what I'm talking about. So, I will share with you a post from one year ago. We had 2 foster girls living with us at the time that I wrote this.

I know I haven't updated in awhile.... it seems that 4 kids keep me busy, who knew?! And also, I have been waiting to update. We have had some major decisions to make and it hasn't been easy.

I know that our decisions will come with judgement from many, although we hope that you trust that this has been prayed over and looked at from every angle and that we have to put our family first.

We have decided to have the girls moved to another home. This is not a decision made lightly. Yes, it was short-lived, but we feel that to avoid more hurts, we need to do this before attachments are made. Let me explain as much as I can some of the reasons for this decision. Mostly it boils down to Steve being gone. *Let me quick take a moment to clarify for my dear husband who at certain places around town has been asked why he moved out and left his wife that we are so not separated and he hasn't left us! :) He is working out of town- out of state actually, because that is where the work is. Please stop harassing the poor guy! ;) *Okay, that's done. Because of him being away for the better part of the weeks, and the outlook on this ending looking farther and farther out all the time, we feel its best.

I am unable to be a "single parent" for 4 children. To double the number of kids we have overnight, and then be left alone, has not been good for me or my kids. Believe me, I feel like a complete and utter failure. I hate that I have to admit my weaknesses and to say " I can't." Well meaning people tell me "oh, but its so good for those girls and you can do it" but no, I can not do it. There are too many struggles with them that are hurting my children emotionally and physically and the guilt of that is overwhelming. My family needs to come first. I have not been a good mom to anyone this week. I am over stressed and over tired.

For those of you saying "well of course its hard, didn't she know it would be hard?!" to you I say, yes, I knew that. But, I have to accept my limitations. I fully believe that God has brought us to this point to show me what I can't do. I can't do this. And that is okay. It's part of the storm. And this is how the storm will go well, is for us to step away. Our kids are relieved, although of course they will still miss having them around sometimes.

The door to this process is not closed for us either. I just now have a better understanding of what we are able to do. Siblings of this age are most likely not for us. I still have a heart for fostering, and for adopting. But, through this process, I have received one thing that I never saw happening in my life before and that is contentment. For years while we struggled with infertility I was grasping for more, no matter if that was before we had any children, after one, after two, I never felt complete or content. I now feel that if this is what God has for us, I am at complete peace with having only my own 2 children, and they are enough.

This has been a growing experience for us. This has been a rough journey thus far. But one thing remains the same and that is that God is the God over all of us. His compassions for us will never fail and He will continue to walk with us and lead us through paths of righteousness, for His name's sake.

I will continue to update here, and I will let you know when the girls are placed in another home. We ask you to pray for them as they move, that they may adjust quickly and that God will lead the DHS workers to the right home for them - soon. Pray for our children as they work through their feelings about all of this. Pray for me that the guilt I have felt may subside.

I can't thank you all enough for all of you support and prayers. I ask that you continue to walk with us on our journey, no matter where that takes us. You have all been amazing sources of inspiration and love and peace for us, and words can't express how grateful we are for you.

I know I serve the same God today as I did a year ago. I know that these girls are in a good and stable adoptive home. It doesn't make me question our lives any less. I still do. I still wonder what will come of our decision to foster to adopt. I wonder often why God plants these desires in us, just to let them sit and fester and have nothing come of it. Yes, I am still practicing contentment. Yet I wonder when His plans will be shown to us. I worry about being too settled in our cozy little family- knowing we were called to stretch and grow. So, this is where I am at right now. Thanks for listening- for some of you, thanks for listening again.


Erin said...

God led me to this early this morning girl, and on am definitely on my knees for you, your heart and your family. It is hard not to get in a holding pattern of waiting for the fulfillment of a dream or call that we know is from God and not questioning the comfort or contentment that may come in the meantime. I know that you are called to be a mom. After walking with you in MOPS, at a distance, and even just through following your blog, you have a heart for your children and you have been gifted very uniquely in the most AMAZING ways to love them and your husband so well. You authenticness, passion, and willingness that is involved in living this out is amazing and inspiring to me, and I am sure may others!

Praying for encouragement, peace, and comfort for you this morning as you continue on the well as affirmation of your call. We all need continued signs along the way to show us the way to go. I picture them sometimes more as God standing along the side of the road cheering me on with His word (ppl do this during the marathons I have run) more than I picture them to be the roadside signs that give us our destination and how many miles we have left to travel ;)

Love you!

Kim said...

Alicia I don't think it is wrong to admit you have boundaries.... right now... perhaps those boundaries, when your children are older or husband is back working closer to home, will expand.

I personally feel you made the right decision. Had you NOT realized your limits a year ago, what could have happened to you, to your children, to the children you were fostering?

When we have a choice to make... road A or road B... I think we will always question the road not taken... but if you prayed thru it and asked the Lord for guidance and this was the decision laid on your heart at the time... He does call us to be comforted in that decision... maybe at this time you needed to take Road A... does not mean at some point you can't once again explore the other road, just be at peace with your travel now.

Hugs and Blessings!

Diane said...

Two things, those two girls were with you for a while, for a purpose. It may have been to protect them, or to show you something. I think nothing less of you because you were wise and understood that we are flesh and have limitations. It was better for them and you/your family that you made the hard decision you did.

Second, a blog for you to check out:

Not directly related, but feel God's tug to share it with you. There may be some nuggets there for you. She is super sweet and real. Hugs and love!!!!

Sara said...

Oh, sweet Alicia...I have so much to say to you here but feel like I could never get it all out in the written word (mainly because I type like a kindygartener :) You are brave, and wonderful and wise. From reading this I can only say that it seems that that period of time had a definite purpose, and was a time a growth for you and sometimes, in my experience, we just need to embrace the fact that our big and awesome God can use big things to teach us lessons that seem small in our minds....
A mistake that I have often made is that I confuse my rest and contentment in my life in Him as being wrong, or too "comfortable." But what glorifies HIM more, when we are content and restful in our lives, or when we are striving for the next hardest part? Let's face it, there are enough hard parts or "storms" without us going looking for them. So He has taught me to rest and wait, in contentment, until HE brings me the next new challenge to stretch me. You are awesome, Alicia. I think it is so admirable that you recognized that your family was suffering because ultimately, what was the harder decision? You made the harder one and are admirably standing strong in it.
I heard a message sometime, somewhere (my memory is terrible) wherein the speaker talked about how God puts these flames, inklings if you will, inside of us that are just a foretaste of what is in store for us. A flame that HE will one day fan into a HIS time. Th truth is that God can change our lives in an instant and we just never know what time will hold. So, be encouraged, dear friend, hang on to the flame He has placed inside of you, enjoy the life He gives to you and just see where He leads....

I LOVE Romans 8:15 in the Message:
"This resurrection life you received from god is not a grave-tending life. It's adventurously expectant, greeting God with a child-like 'What's next, papa?'"

It always encourages me to trust that He will take me where I'm to go, when the time is right. Love you and thanks so much for sharing.

Marissa said...

Oh this must be such a struggle with you. Until this post, I didn't even know abou these girls. Sorry, I should have read previously. What an amazing thing to take on and for admitting its too much, that takes unbelievable strength and courage. Hang in there and if in your heart you know its the right thing to do, then trust that. Will be praying for the girls and your family.

alicia said...

I can't thank you all enough for your sweet comments! God has blessed me more than I could have imagined. Your kind words bring tears to my eyes, and I thank Him for you.

Cherie Hill said...

Alicia, my heart and prayers go out to all of you. God has His plans AND His purposes for EVERYTHING . . . and what I've found is that faith leaves us with more questions than answers. But, our questions keep us helplessly on our knees at the throne of God and that's right where He wants us. The Holy Spirit is OBVIOUSLY doing a work in you . . . I will be praying that God fills you with His peace and that through all the ups and downs, you stand in faith upon the solid Rock. Let nothing move you . . . He is with you ALWAYS.
Love to you sister,

Bina said...

Oh sweet girl. Not sure what else I could add to the amazing comments left here for you this morning other than: I know where you come from even if I don't know exactly how you feel. I struggle daily with the emotions and longings in my heart, wondering why (if He isn't going to allow certain things to happen) I still have the passion within to see it done.

All I can tell you from my own path is that He plants things within our hearts and is always faithful to see it thru...but since HE is the gardener, He will be the One to decide when things bloom...confounditall!! heehee

Much love and prayers rise up from my California home to travel on an Easterly bound wind to your house today...

Karen said...

Alisa, if God instilled those desires, He will complete them in His time, or change them, or put something in it's place. I've seen how my desires, have changed and some just now starting to come to fruition.

Ah, patience and trust. One day we will know. I'm sure He will honor you for trying and going with your heart. Blessings**

Melinda said...

So glad you came by and found my blog because it led me to find you! I can so hear your heart in this post and tremendously respect your decision to send the girls to another home. I can tell this was NOT taken lightly. If you did not believe you could give them -- and your other children -- what they needed, you did exactly the right thing -- for those girls and for you and your family.
I was so glad to hear they found a good, stable home. You are open and willing to do God's will. He'll show you if/when the time is right to bring more children into your loving home. Following you now. ;0)

Laura said...

What a journey! It sounds as if it was full of lessons for all of you, and that's a blessing. You didn't keep trudging through, hardheadedly, sticking to your original plan (and what others thought), but you stopped and asked, "What is the Lord saying to us here?"

We often minister for a season. We plant seeds and He brings them to fruition, in His time.

Glad I got to read this post. I feel like I know your heart. Blessings on you!

Graceful said...

Alicia, I sounds like an incredibly tough decision, and I admire you for making a difficult choice -- one that was best for your family and the girls, too.

I hope that your dream to foster parent will come to fruition. I do believe that God timing is THE timing, and sometimes, even when it doesn't make a bit of sense, we wait.

Andrea said...

GOD bless you, sweet friend. HE is faithful and HE had you in these precious ones lives for a season to prepare both them and you for other things and places. HE will see you through. Praying for everyone involved.

Rachel said...

I feel your pain! Those sorts of decisions are the hardest types. I can only imagine what you're going through. I know that God will guide you on the perfect path he has planned for you and your family!!

DORCAS said...

OH! Alicia. I will be praying for you. You're a woman of God. You let God take control and that is wonderful. I have seen it in many of your post.

I will be praying for you and your family my dear friend.

God bless you!