Hiding

The thoughts rush through my head and I try to ignore them.
The what ifs. The sick feelings. The check lists. The statistics.

I lay awake with worry. I walk around with a pit in my stomach.

I know I need to open the Word.

I know I need to go to my Father and lay it all out before Him.

But I don't. I can't.

I send up a short plea and stop short. All I've managed to cry is "help" In a teeny tiny voice. And then I run so I don't have to hear His reply. Even if it was to comfort me. It is a risk I am not willing to take. So I suffer some more.

I refuse to read blogs- they hit me in the face with the Truth and right now, I just don't want to hear it.
I don't pray because I am unable to say "Your will be done." I want to say "let me have my way" and since I know I can't do that, I hide.

A friend pulls on me. Nagging me with prayers and scripture. She keeps trying to shine a light in my dark hiding place. Talk about annoying.

Finally, I cave a little. I open my "go to" devotional book- Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. I have read it all before, but each day is different. I open the book to the day.
"The world is too much with you, my child ...Though I yearn to help, I will not violate your freedom. I stand silently in the background of your mind, waiting for you to remember that I am with you"

And I thank Him for loving friends who care enough to come in to my dark place with annoying flashlights. For the flick of the lightswitch chasing away the darkness. And pour out my heart to Him so He can carry me.

Zephaniah 3:17 The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.