Hiding

The thoughts rush through my head and I try to ignore them.
The what ifs. The sick feelings. The check lists. The statistics.

I lay awake with worry. I walk around with a pit in my stomach.

I know I need to open the Word.

I know I need to go to my Father and lay it all out before Him.

But I don't. I can't.

I send up a short plea and stop short. All I've managed to cry is "help" In a teeny tiny voice. And then I run so I don't have to hear His reply. Even if it was to comfort me. It is a risk I am not willing to take. So I suffer some more.

I refuse to read blogs- they hit me in the face with the Truth and right now, I just don't want to hear it.
I don't pray because I am unable to say "Your will be done." I want to say "let me have my way" and since I know I can't do that, I hide.

A friend pulls on me. Nagging me with prayers and scripture. She keeps trying to shine a light in my dark hiding place. Talk about annoying.

Finally, I cave a little. I open my "go to" devotional book- Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. I have read it all before, but each day is different. I open the book to the day.
"The world is too much with you, my child ...Though I yearn to help, I will not violate your freedom. I stand silently in the background of your mind, waiting for you to remember that I am with you"

And I thank Him for loving friends who care enough to come in to my dark place with annoying flashlights. For the flick of the lightswitch chasing away the darkness. And pour out my heart to Him so He can carry me.

Zephaniah 3:17 The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.

De Klompen and the Tulips

Last week it was the wonderous time of year again where the entire town seems to shut down and we all swap our Nikes for wooden clogs and long dresses. Except for the boys- they switch to short pants. Knickers.

We eat too much, we laugh, we get grumpy and impatient and snap at each other  tired and worn down but still treat each other with love and kindess.



"smile or you won't get to eat a funnel cake! "



This week I am worn out and the crazy hasn't quit yet, so this will most likely be the only blogging I do.

In the mean time, just enjoy some pics of our crazy Dutch traditions and please, head on over to my friend Diane Estrella who is using my poor boy's picture of misery as a MicroFiction muse. I can't wait to see what creativity she comes up with :)



Hockey teams in the parade!



My girl is the tall one... of course :)



Blowing off some steam at the carnival..




Benefits of a cold spring- perfect Tulips everywhere!




Jackson is having SO much fun!




Attempting to dodge a kiss from Aunties...



She asked me Why...

At our last visit with Charlie Brown's mom, she did the inevitable. She looked me square in the eye and asked  why I decided to become a foster parent.

It isn't a ridiculous question, and I am asked it quite often. But it is a hard question to answer when it comes from the parent of the child in your home- especially when you are in the Foster to Adopt program. Not just any old Foster parent program. It's hard to answer and say "because I want to be a forever family to a child in need whose parents can no longer take adequate care of them" Hmmm.... I know her well enough to know that would not have gone well. So I gave the same answer I do when I'm uncomfortable and don't know what to say- I cracked a joke and brushed it off. Something about being legally insane to willingly get involved with DHS and court systems and the state of Iowa. Not altogether a lie, but definitely avoiding the truth.

Unfortunately God wouldn't let it rest. That answer was not good enough for Him. While I didn't appreciate the nudging, I do appreciate that He knows me enough to know that if I am going to be honest, I need to do this via letter. So I did.
Here is my answer to her:

And then, the million dollar question. Why did we become foster parents? I know I avoided answering, and it isn’t always an easy answer for me, but I feel as though I owe you the real answer. I have very personal reasons for doing this and honestly my answer has changed in the 3 years since we began. I was very blessed to give birth to two of my own kids, however that was a miracle in and of itself and after those two, I could not have anymore. I knew I wanted more kids and adoption has been on my heart since I was young, because I never thought I would be able to have any of my own kids. We looked at a lot of options and I prayed about it a LOT. We very definitely felt God calling us to look at the waiting kids here in the US. So, we took our classes and got our license and then we waited. We have done a lot of waiting. Yes, my first selfish reason for doing this whole process was to be able to adopt kids for our family. However, after being in this system for a few years, God has shown me the reasons He brought us to this point. I know that I may never add any of our kids to our home forever. We may never be a forever family. And that is okay. We are able to be there for children who need us. We can offer them safety, stability and love when their world is turned upside down. I am seeing how corrupt the foster system can be- families who have no business taking care of anyone else’s kids. People who don’t offer love, but wait instead for a check. My heart is for these kids. Kids bounced around from one place to another. Kids being treated like a burden rather than a joy. And that is why I am here. That is why I renew our license and put up with the state’s crap. I love kids, I love taking care of kids. Are we the perfect home? Not a chance. I have failed placements in my home. I had to see my limitations and have them transferred. But I am here to try. I am doing what I can. A small thing in a big world that needs a lot.


I just can’t be the person grumbling about the foster care system or feeling so sad for kids who need a place and not do anything about it. So, you may worry that my goal is to keep your son, but that is not my goal. My goal is to help him for a time in his life when he needs it. Has he stolen my heart? Most definitely! Look at him, how could he not?! My desire is for Charlie Brown to have the best life he can possibly have and to know at all times that he is loved. No matter where he is. And that is the honest truth.

Okay, this was probably more information than you wanted, but like I said, I feel as though I owe you the full truth. I do also hold to my original answer: you must first be crazy, or it just won’t work in this system.

I will find out Wednesday what she thinks of my honesty...

James 1:27- Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress
John 14:18 I will not leave you as orphans, I will come to you


Linking up with Jen and Michelle today...

Thank You Blogger.

Yesterday's post has gone completley missing. I can find it nowhere. Thank you blogger for all of your help. I really appreciate it. Nope really, I appreciate it because now my mind is made up.

I will be switching to Wordpress soon.

Pleastly Disturbed

I don't know if y'all have had the distinct pleasure of "meeting" Duane Scott, but if you haven't, you should.
The guy is too wise for his years and also a bit off the wall at times, which fits right into my kind of read. Every so often, as the spirit moves him- which really, is the only way to go when talking about being disturbed- you can't try to schedule that, he hosts a Pleasantly Disturbed Linky Carnival. This is that day. And after many times of laughing and nodding, I am FINALLY joining in.

I realize that this should have happened long ago as I am so obviously disturbed to those who really know me, but it seems I never was at the right time. Thankfully however, I spent approximately 6 hours or more in the car with 3 kids this week and they filled me up with more than enough material. Which is also followed by a sad part. I can only remember ONE thing from the entire weekend that I wanted to tell y'all! And the fact that after 3 days, THIS is what sticks with me probably says a lot about me and my mental capacity.

Yup, she's ALL mine! :)

So, we are driving along the familiar highway to Nebraska, munching on McD's drive thru as usual. I was busy dodging orange cones and crazy drivers- I was NOT the crazy driver eating and getting 3 kids fed, I promise. And from the backseat my dear 8 year old pipes up "look mom, this chicken lost his nuggets!"
I'm sorry, what?

She had eaten all the breading off her chicken nugget and held up a less than appealing looking wad of chicken chunk. Evidently the nuggets are the outside.
And I may never eat a chicken nugget again. Or I might just ask if he has his nuggets first...

How to Help Alabama

As we all know, last week in the midst of Royal Wedding fever and before they killed Bin Laden, the southern half of our country was ravaged by tornadoes. And unfortunately, all that other stuff seems to have over shadowed the turmoil that is going on in Alabama and other states.

I am bothered by the lack of attention and know that that means less help for the people. So, I will do my own small part here and share a few ways that you can help. Bloggie friend Rachel at Grasping for Objectivity is in Alabama and while grateful her family is safe, wants to help her torn apart state. One way is Christian Service Mission which has an Amazon wish list . I know I struggle with which organization to send money to and want to know what that money is going to be used for. Well, with this option you get to decide. The ship to address is already attatched to the list. All you have to do is follow the link and place an order for as little or as much as you'd like. 

Go ahead and check out Rachel's site, as she lists some other ways you can help via Twitter and Facebook.

Don't feel pressure to help either, I just wanted to offer some options for those of us who feel helpless far away but still want to do SOMETHING. And of course, prayers will always be a blessing.

As I wait

I sit here in the local library at a table. Alone.
The baby I have loved for the last 3.5 months is in another room. With Her. This is the first they have seen each other in those three and a half months. Not since that blustery January day has she held him in her arms.

And I weep for him. For her. And for me.

My mama heart is torn.

As a mom I can't imagine my child being taken from me. I also can't imagine doing things so horrible that my child has to be removed.

But I am a sinner. I know that my sins are no less then hers.
I know that God loves her no less then me.
I fear for the unknown. My heart pounds in my chest at the possibilities that lie ahead of us.
I reach for my Bible and seek comfort. I open my daily devotional for some encouragement. I chuckle at God's timeliness despite my groan at seeing that verse.

Some ask how we do it? How do we love that boy with so many questions and no guarantees? How can we hope for something that may cause someone else such heartbreak?
Because of what I know. What my Father tells me.
I know that God loves that round headed baby boy even more than either one of us mamas could.
And that is how I do this.

It is HIS power, because left to my own, I would be on the next bus out of here.

"though it tarries, wait for it... " Habakkuk 2:3

Linking up with Michele as I try to Use It this Monday....




*I have been using the Disqus comment system, which I enjoy, because it allows me to reply directly to your comments. However, I am having some technical issues and occassionally it goes to Blogger comments. I think if you wait for the page to fully load, the disqus comments will be available. Otherwise I lose your comments, which makes me sad. :)