Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Crazy Mixed up Feelings

  • So on Friday morning I will be meeting with our support worker from LSI. She is the one who came along with us when we picked up the girls and it is basically her job to, well, support us. She calls to see how things are going and to talk over feelings.
  • Anyway, she called that she wants to come over this week to "talk about what happened." I don't know why exactly, but I feel like a kid who knows they are in trouble and going to meet the principal (I am just going by what I assume that would feel like, because honestly, that wasn't me. Maybe my husband. *Ahem*.) Its quite illogical feeling anyway, but it is what it is.
  • I think that while I have complete peace with our choices and know without a doubt that we made the right choice, I feel guilt for feeling peace. I'll give you a minute to follow me. It makes sense to me, try to understand. People ask me if I miss having them here. Honestly? (gasp! honesty?!) No. Which is a huge part of me knowing it was right for us. I didn't attach. I didn't have enough joy when they were here nor did I offer up joy to any of the 4 kids living here, and I failed to find the little blessings from day to day. I hurt, I cried, my kids hurt, my kids cried. Am I able to see blessings in it now? Absolutely! I have mentioned positives in Lessons Learned. But I am still relieved to be done with that case. I know that it would have gone on and on and on and even if we had decided that we wanted to keep them, it was going to be a long battle. I don't have the fight in me. I need to know that I am fighting for the right thing. And I know this wasn't our battle to win. God has shown me that.
  • So, I know all of this, and yet, I feel guilt for the peace. I feel the need to explain to everyone I meet why it didn't work out and what happened. And then, the social support worker is coming to talk about it. Which automatically leads me to feel like I did it wrong, even though my head knows she isn't that way. She is a Christian woman and not here to chastise me. Just here to figure out what we all could have done better and what we have learned for next time. At least that's what I am telling myself so that I am still able to get up on Friday morning.
  • I realize I am confusing, but Psalm 27 sums up my feelings pretty well right now.
  • Psalm 27 Of David.
  • 1 The LORD is my light and my salvation— whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life— of whom shall I be afraid?
  • 2 When evil men advance against me to devour my flesh, [a] when my enemies and my foes attack me, they will stumble and fall.
  • 3 Though an army besiege me, my heart will not fear; though war break out against me, even then will I be confident.
  • 4 One thing I ask of the LORD, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple.
  • 5 For in the day of trouble he will keep me safe in his dwelling; he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle and set me high upon a rock.
  • 6 Then my head will be exalted above the enemies who surround me; at his tabernacle will I sacrifice with shouts of joy; I will sing and make music to the LORD.
  • 7 Hear my voice when I call, O LORD; be merciful to me and answer me.
  • 8 My heart says of you, "Seek his [b] face!" Your face, LORD, I will seek.
  • 9 Do not hide your face from me, do not turn your servant away in anger; you have been my helper. Do not reject me or forsake me, O God my Savior.
  • 10 Though my father and mother forsake me, the LORD will receive me.
  • 11 Teach me your way, O LORD; lead me in a straight path because of my oppressors.
  • 12 Do not turn me over to the desire of my foes, for false witnesses rise up against me, breathing out violence.
  • 13 I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.
  • 14 Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.

No comments: