Today I am gathering papers, filling out paperwork, and cleaning the house. Tomorrow we meet with our licensing worker to renew our foster license and renew our homestudy apps. All I can say is, Really? It brings out my deepest frustration to know that we have been waiting for almost a year already. I think we all assumed that we would have a different family make up by now. Yes, I realize we did have opportunity and that WE chose to end that, but I still know that it wouldn't have been right for us to go any other way. It was and still is the best choice for us, and the girls to have gone the route we did. So, here we are. Last year we were excited and eager (almost) to do our weekly homework and meet every Monday night with a group of people who started as strangers that we now share a deeper bond with. We thought that surely by next Christmas, our picture would be fuller, our letter a little longer. I am struggling with Christmas pictures this year. Not because my family isn't precious enough to me or that I don't appreciate my two beautiful children. Its just frustrating when we had such HOPE of it looking different by now. I have hoped for several years that it would be different. First praying for another baby to be born to us, and when that dream was extinguished 3 years later, that God would place more children in our home to STAY.
This journey of Fostering to Adopt is not an easy one. It is even harder in our area as the demand is not that high. Again, I am sure I have said this before, but it is an emotional roller coaster when you realize that you are actually praying for a family to be broken so that you can grow yours. Of course that isn't what we are praying, but going this route, definitely makes it feel that way some days.
I know that God knows what He is doing. I know that there are many people with far bigger hurts than my own today. But that doesn't change the fact that today, I am frustrated.
Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God. Psalm 42:11 NIV
God is Good, All the time!