Today I am gathering papers, filling out paperwork, and cleaning the house. Tomorrow we meet with our licensing worker to renew our foster license and renew our homestudy apps. All I can say is, Really? It brings out my deepest frustration to know that we have been waiting for almost a year already. I think we all assumed that we would have a different family make up by now. Yes, I realize we did have opportunity and that WE chose to end that, but I still know that it wouldn't have been right for us to go any other way. It was and still is the best choice for us, and the girls to have gone the route we did. So, here we are. Last year we were excited and eager (almost) to do our weekly homework and meet every Monday night with a group of people who started as strangers that we now share a deeper bond with. We thought that surely by next Christmas, our picture would be fuller, our letter a little longer. I am struggling with Christmas pictures this year. Not because my family isn't precious enough to me or that I don't appreciate my two beautiful children. Its just frustrating when we had such HOPE of it looking different by now. I have hoped for several years that it would be different. First praying for another baby to be born to us, and when that dream was extinguished 3 years later, that God would place more children in our home to STAY.
This journey of Fostering to Adopt is not an easy one. It is even harder in our area as the demand is not that high. Again, I am sure I have said this before, but it is an emotional roller coaster when you realize that you are actually praying for a family to be broken so that you can grow yours. Of course that isn't what we are praying, but going this route, definitely makes it feel that way some days.
I know that God knows what He is doing. I know that there are many people with far bigger hurts than my own today. But that doesn't change the fact that today, I am frustrated.
Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God. Psalm 42:11 NIV
God is Good, All the time!
2 comments:
My sweet Alicia,
I can't imagine the turmoil that your heart is in as it longs for one thing all while your mind wrestles with its desires.
Know that you are in my prayers...that you are lifted up to the Most High God who sees your heartache and knows your longings more intimately than even you do...who loves your heart and your willingness to be the safe haven for one in need.
I know you know that He will act in His perfect timing...but I pray that your heart learns to lean strongly on the love of His will as you wait.
Hugs...
Bina
Oh I know your prayer all too well. Something like, "Lord, if there is no stone left unturned and no one in the child's family that is safe that can be found, please let us be their's.." We aren't hoping to tear apart but hope to help build back up...
When the twins left I was crushed but knowing they are with family that will love and protect them eases the pain in my heart. That's not to say I don't think about them every day and pray for them.. I do and always will.
But it's not in our hands.
His time isn't our time and that totally sucks. LOL.. Stay positive and focused and I have no doubt it will all click together perfectly. Try to enjoy this part of the journey.. it's as important as all the others.. and PRAY.
Hugs From CO!!
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